Monday, August 24, 2009

Dumbest. Shit. Ever.

You are officially warned, folks. Yes, we did a podcast, but no, it ain't pretty. For reasons so ass-tootly captured by our fellow bloggers last week, All My Children was dumb-as-shit last week. A Scorpion on Krystal's chest? Nurse Gayle working a bar for David and hiding some super-mysterious (duh) guest? Zach locking Kendall in the attic? Madison "Cartoon-character" North constantly twirling her Jolen-Cream-Bleach-ed mustache with threats for Jesse, Frankie, and Angie? Angie and Jesse now both breaking the law? Frankie agreeing they should keep Rancid's kidnapped baby and yelling at his mother so ruthlessly? (Pratt really don't know black folk. You don't raise your voice at your momma like that, not without a slap upside the head. At least not where I come from. And certainly not at Momma Angela.)

I must have the word "idiot" stamped on my forehead, folks. It's so weird. I don't see it when I look in the mirror, but it must be there. Certainly the execs at AMC see it.

So go ahead. Listen at your own peril. Just don't ask why we decided to open with Guiding Light and end with One Life to Live.

Feel free to rip the show - or me - a new one, here.

8/21/09 Podcast

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dreams of Californication?

Last week on AMC, Annie asks the burning question: “Want some?” to which Scott replies, “Hell yeah!” and rips off his velcro shirt.

David and Liza share a kiss and the perfect Valtrex moment reminding us, as they say in the commercials, "it can affect both men and women, causing periodic outbreaks that may appear as painful or itchy clusters of blisters, bumps, and rashes in the genital area." Last week Adam got a prescription for Viagra. Next week Krystal’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome causes an embarrassing moment at ConFusion, but leads to the start of another cougar romance with an empathetic Petey who suffers from spontaneous bouts of greasy discharge.

Kendall’s face is plastered on the PV Bulletin Online, but nobody realizes someone else is impersonating her in jail. Meanwhile, the real Kendall hides out in a safe room furnished with cardboard boxes and Annie’s old furniture from Oak Haven dreaming of happier times and nicer sets.

Pratt continues his plan to turn the Hubbards into boring white people by making Jessie Zach’s new nanny and forcing Angie to wear Annie’s hand-me-down dresses and tresses with bangs.

Frankie learns how to use a key – with his fingers! Madison acts circles around Randi and sort of comes on to Frankie I guess because he’s really good with keys.

Randi is still a little gassy so she goes to the hospital to yell at Angie. Randi runs into Opal who reads her palm, but unfortunately Opal doesn't see acting lessons in Randi’s future. I also think Randi actually said “supposebly”.

AMC and Pratt continue to display a stunning grasp of realism as Tad and Taylor leave baby Trevor on the back porch of the church that looks just like the one Emma burned down in Puerto Rico. Fortunately, Jessie is the Chief of Police of Pratt Valley so it doesn’t matter that it’s a criminal offense. Opal, Tad, Taylor, Amanda and Jake are utterly surprised that the plan goes awry, that Child Protective Services whose job it is to provide for the health, safety and welfare of children, especially ones abandoned in burned out Puerto Rican churches, may get involved and possibly not turn the baby over to Jake and Amanda, if they can ever even actually find Trevor.

It’s been a week since TPTB announced AMC’s relocation to Los Angeles and subtle changes can already be seen taking place on screen. If you look carefully behind the outside shot of the Pratt Valley, uh Pine Valley Hospital, you can just make out the HOLLYWOOD’ sign and the giant Mickey Mouse water tower. For the next few weeks, the real question isn’t “Who Killed Stuart” but who among the cast will check into the Hotel California to Live or Die in L.A.? Will Susan Lucci become a California Girl? Will Cameron Matheson attempt to find out if it really Ever Rains in Southern California? Will David Canary find All the Gold in California? OMG, will Brianne Moncrief like totally start talking like a Valley Girl? Whatever! That is OMG like, so, like, stupid, like, really, like, stupid! She totally like already talks like that!

It may be a podcastless week, but keep the blog just keeps going right here.

Monday, August 10, 2009

California, There They Go

Well, Brian Frons must be pleased with himself. When he hired Chuck Pratt as Head Writer of All My Children, he probably thought that would be the end. No more daytime! We kill All My Children with Pratt's sucktastic writing, and the others will follow. After all, AMC is the lead-in to both One Life to Live and General Hospital. But no! He didn't count on "those things you call - The Fans" being loyal. Somehow, many of us are still hanging in there - hoping - praying - that the madness will end. That our Brooke, our Dixie, will come back! That the vets will get stories worthy of their talent, that Man-Hands JaLu will take a long walk on a short pier, that Erica will grow up gracefully, and that the phrase "dead behind the eyes" will be a thing of the past! Why? Because we love our show! It's our AMC, Fronsie!

So what did Frons go ahead and do? He all but killed the thing with one stroke of his fat hand. Signed away AMC's New York studio space to OLTL, and announced the move to Ca-lih-for-ny-ay. La-La land, it is, forcing much of the cast and crew at best to quit, and at worst, to leave family and friends behind. Honestly, I would have preferred that he man-up and just cancelled the damn show. Just be done with it, dude! But no - he's chosen a long, torturous death for the show. And the vets, the staff, the cast (most of them, anyway) deserve more. Much more. EFF YOU FRONSIE! EFF YOU PRATT! I DUTCH OVEN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I feel better. DO your thing, people, here.

8/7/09 Podcast

Monday, August 03, 2009

They Give Emmys for This, Really?

Hey, I’m a friendly guy. In fact, I’d call myself a people person. I like all kinds of people. OK, people who act illogically bother me a little, and yes I’m quick to lose patience with people who don’t have any sense of personal boundaries. I guess that explains why I was a little concerned about our AMC friends this past week.

For example, what is with the open windows and doors in Pine Valley? And why is everyone always lurking around outside their friends and neighbors homes? Logical people don’t do that, especially when the town is in the midst of a crime spree— stabbings, shootings, break-ins. Not to mention epidemic head trauma and memory loss. Crazy people walking around killing and shooting at people and immediately repressing the memory or remembering repressed memories that totally never happened anyway! People in this town are batshit crazy!! Even if I lived in English Manor, I would have bars on the windows and booby trap all the doorways.

And when I go to a friend’s house, I usually call ahead and enter politely through the front door--especially if my friend is a single woman living alone with a baby in the house or if my friend is a wealthy old goat living on an estate allegedly crawling with security and which is the subject of a sensational murder investigation. I don’t think I’d be sneaking up on or surprising anyone. What if the open window or unlocked door is booby trapped? What if I were to startle the person and they picked up the gun laying near them on the floor, or under the bed, or in the flower pot or taped on the inside of the toilet lid and took a shot at me? You know they are at least going to hit you in the head and give you a nasty bruise. Who needs that? Pick up the phone and call first. Knock on the door and wait for it to be answered. Safety first people!

Anyway, here’s a rundown of last week’s shen-ANNIE-gans on AMC:

JESSIE is working too hard. He needs to cut NATALIA some slack and let her help. He can’t handle the PV crime spree alone.

Emotions are running high in the Hubbard clan. FRANKIE howled and flashed his big white wolf teeth over how shitty his luck has become. RANDI’s nostrils quivered after she lost the baby.

RYAN gritted and hissed and clenched his butt cheeks because he really didn’t want anybody to talk to EMMA. (I really wish somebody would pop RYAN’S thong when he goes on a rant.)

AMANDA is a beautiful idiot, and her plan is doomed before it gets underway. She is sneaking in Taylor’s window every 5 minutes, sleeping on the couch. I sort of understand where she’s coming from. There are at least 20 less people sleeping at TAYLOR’S house than the MARTIN house. But can't she just use the front door, knock before entering and call ahead?

TREVOR is already an addict—passed out on the couch with approximately 10 empty Enfamil bottles surrounding him.

KENDALL aka Alicia Minshew has a baby bulge. Manhands JALU just has a bulge.

KENDALL’s future is unclear after a repressed memory comes back to her and causes her to think she murdered the town’s beloved doofus.

ALERT: In case you missed it on SoapNet, the commercials for are sleazy and hot. Holy crap!

ERICA holds her own with everyone – DA "DUH" WILLIE, ADAM, LIZA, JACK, KENDALL, and proves why she’s the glue that binds the show together. But Granny don’t need to be bustin’ on RYAN’s nut no how.

INSANNIE rocks the jailhouse in her hot Pocahontas outfit. She may have worn it all week, but it was so much hotter than KENDALL’S tube top parade and JALU’s death wardrobe.

ZACH continued to not bathe and growl at everyone about KENDALL’S innocence while sporting that classic “buttcut” hairdo with a greasy part down the middle.

TAD and TAYLOR share some light, sweet, funny scenes that don’t involve sperm, head injuries, murder, guns, tunnels, or AIDUMB.

AIDUMB said some stuff I didn’t understand again. Something like: “Yaw wecum fo dah alibuy. Annie an aye aw fineeto.”

OPAL returned in a hilarious getup that looks expensive even though she’s allegedly destitute. She should have received a nice lump sum from her insurance company after the mansion burned. Can’t she buy her own condo and get a man?

ADAM made a rhyme: “Am I not clear? Get her out of here.” and followed quickly with something like “Erica Erica Erica Kane, Erica Kane”.

MARISSA confided to KWAK that she is dreaming of a threeway with JR and BEAKER.


It’s a very special week when STACEY LONDON and CLINTON KELLY show up from TLC’s What Not to Wear to makeover the entire town!! Watch them throw out KENDALL’S tube top collection while CARMINDY slathers her in Mederma scar fading cream. See JALU wince as they trash her collection of black dresses and undergarments for a colorful new wardrobe and underwear that doesn’t fall around her ankles! Marvel as they put TAD in the 360° mirror and show him how to accentuate the positives while slenderizing that buddha-belly. But the shit really hits the fan when ANGIE battles NICK’s efforts to tame the Weave and she takes offense to STACEY and CLINTON for trashing all the sweater vests she lovingly knit for JESSIE.

Let’s hear what you have to say about it all—right here.