Monday, November 30, 2009

I Gotta Feeling....

We here at the Pine Valley Podcast are thrilled about the new developments at our beloved All My Children. "Chuck Pratt Out, Lorraine Broderick In" are just about the greatest 6 words I've personally ever heard uttered (next to "It's a girl... It's a boy!", of course).

We celebrated by writing a little ditty, so rather than try to top Shadow's ass-toot (more like brilliant) post last week, we'll just sing our joy. It speaks for itself, I think.

We hope you'll chime in too with your joy, here.

-------------------

I Gotta Feeling
By Ashley B. Mendoza and Jordan Hudson (sort of)

I gotta feeling
All My Children is gonna be alright
Now that Pratt’s gone it’s gonna be out of sight!
How I prayed for this day with all my might!

Such a Pratthole
Ruined my show
Kiss my ass Pratthole
Oh please just go

Lorraine is back
She’ll save the day
Now if just Fronsie
Would go uh-WAY!

ABCs on the attack
Now that Chuck Pratt is gone
We can get our show back

I feel so damn happy
Even Aidumb I’d blow
Now if Randi and Liza
Would be the next to go!

Pratthole is gone
Mazel tov!
Dutch oven Pratthole
Just get get -- off

Get off my show
You piece of dung
Let a real writer
Show how it’s done!

Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it again!

Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it again!

Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it again!

Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it
Lorraine do it again!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE PRATTHOLE!!

Prattostrophic. Prattastrophe. The Tornado. Dr. Sinclair. Randi. Di. Marissa. Dr. Evil. Relentless Annie. Stuart. Headwounds. Comas. The Cougar.

It began with a storm of epic proportions-the Tornado that was to wipe the Pine Valley canvas clean, reboot AMC and re-energize the ABC daytime lineup. Ironically, all we lost was Kendall’s seaside cabin and The Comeback. Even Babe is still around, sort of. The real damage wasn’t the tornado, it was the relentless stupidity of Head Writer Chuck Pratt whose path of destruction, misogyny, disrespect, carelessness and ineptitude has been limitless and titanic.

I have to hand it to our very own Jordan Hudson. He called it from the start. He was familiar with Chuck Pratt and predicted how we would suffer under the hell of Pratt’s pen. It quickly became apparent to the rest of us the minute we found out Bianca was pregnant with her sister’s husband’s baby. And it all just imploded after that as promising stories bombed and offended: Taylor, Brot and Jake; Who Shot Stuart; the Dance-a-thon; and infamously, Bianca and Reese. All fine, even brilliant actors in the roles couldn’t save the randomly idiotic plot points. It’s been a brilliantly explosive and excruciating nosedive into the toilet for a show rich in history, esteemed for its social relevance and beloved for its actors and the legacy put forth by the legendary Agnes Nixon. In fact, Erica actually scrubbed the toilet with Annie’s bangs if I recall correctly.

But suddenly something happened. Somebody woke up and started paying attention and holding people accountable. Somebody put down their crack pipe and, in a moment of clarity, realized that a huge opportunity with the 40th anniversary was about to be squandered. It was announced that Julia Barr is returning. For however brief a stint it may be, it was a huge announcement. Hayley, Mateo, Nina, Greg, Maria, Lily, Bianca will be there all played by the fan faves who originated the characters. Coming on the heels of Aidan’s merciful departure and Colby’s recast, our imaginations ran wild with speculation of the possibilities, but it was hard to ignore the fact that Pratt is still writing for the show. If Susan Lucci and Debbi Morgan can’t spin this shit into gold, how could any of them do it? More than likely we would watch the 40th in anticipation only to feel cheated in the end with people who sound and look the part, but act more like people out of Stepford Wives or pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Let’s face it, Pratt never got it. Why would this be any different? I figured the 40th would be the end for me--a good point to thank the actors for caring enough to try and just wave goodbye to a show I’ve loved for literally as long as I can remember—almost the entire run of the show.

Then came the news that Pratt has been released from his duties as head writer followed by the doozie that Lorraine Broderick will be writing through the transition. I always said we fans would weather Pratt’s storm, but I was this close to giving up. When you love something, you go out of your way to make time for it. In my life, I have skipped school and work for this show, stayed up way too late, procrastinated on completing tasks of far greater significance, just to tune in and catch up with my Pine Valley friends and neighbors. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. But suddenly my hope has been restored. I don’t know who to thank, but if you are reading this, even if you were the one who brought Pratt to town, I forgive you and I thank you for having the courage to make this change. I don’t really care why or how it came to be. I just appreciate the fact that it appears that maybe you are paying attention and taking charge. While I am grateful and I really want to acknowledge all of the incredibly wonderful changes taking place, there is one very significant truth that still has to be dealt with:

All My Children still freaking sucks.

It’s horrendous. As we speak Annie is in a coma. David Hayward is holding Amanda’s womb hostage. Madison is hiding in a closet somewhere. JR is still bald. Aidan hasn’t left. Randi is still alive. AMC can’t course correct fast enough. ABC needs to swallow the bitter pill, pony up the money and rewrite, reshoot and reinvent this show STAT! Don’t even waste time trying to make sense out of Pratt’s bullshit. Just drop his stories and characters like yesterday’s Taylor Thompson. Poof! Make it all disappear.

Control. Alt. Delete. Reboot!

It’s the holidays. I’d rather watch ‘best of’ compilations, classic reruns, and reunion shows where people just get together, exchange pleasantries and eat cookies than see anymore episodes where Annie acts crazy, Aidan acts jealous, David acts evil, Adam acts feeble, Erica acts horny, Jessie acts stupid, Tad bores me to death, and anyone suffers blunt trauma to the head. Give Lorraine free reign and support to do her thing. Tell me when we can expect to start seeing the results of her influence because until I know for sure that Pratt’s material is finished and her material has started, I’m not watching.

So WooHoo Pratt is gone! Hip Hip Hooray Colby’s been recast! Three cheers for Julia Barr’s return! And all that other good stuff.

But it don’t mean shit until Pratt disappears from Pine Valley for good.

What’s going through your minds? What characters should Lorraine bring back? Share your hopes, thoughts and wishes right here.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Best of Both Worlds

So - we couldn't take it anymore.

An hour of All My Children "discussion," and 5 minutes of One Life to Live? Sorry to disappoint y'all that listen to The Pine Valley Podcast exclusively for our ass-toot AMC commentary, but we had to expand the show. I mean, c'mon now - I think even the cruelest of folks wouldn't expect us here at the 'Cast to watch (anymore) so you don't have to! I've got two babies waking up every hour to eat, and that torture still ain't worse than 5 hours of All My Children every week!

So let us know what you think. Oh yeah - and help us come up with a new name. Y'all are clever, and I got Mommy-brain. So do your thing, darling bloggers, here. (Can't wait to hear what you come up with!)

11/13/09 Podcast

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Power of Positive Thinking

  • AMC Head Writer Chuck Pratt discovers that Adam killed Stuart!
  • Frankie and Randi are free of Madison! (Or are they?)
  • J.R. and Marissa get hitched, and, with the money they're saving on J.R.'s hair gel, the adorable couple makes plans for the future!
  • Little Emma blackmails her mommy. ¡Qué cute!

Ick.

Folks, I just don't know what to say anymore. I think I've been beaten into submission. I'm done. From what other boards seem to be saying, All My Kids is, like, totally awesome right now! And I don't have it in me in this post to argue. I did plenty of that in this week's cast.

Warning: this is another (mostly) negative podcast. Don't say you haven't been warned.

And don't forget: while I don't love AMC right now, I love me some PVP bloggers! All are welcome, so please, come on in for a visit here!

10/23/09 Podcast

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Oh Man, I Got Nothin'

I have to admit, when Ashley asked if I would post a new blog this week, my first thought was "Oh shit, I'm busted". You see, I haven't watched much since the last time I posted during the dance-a-thon. Sure, I've caught a few minutes here and there, but mostly I've kept up through your astoot comments, the blog, the podcast and spoilers. Honestly, I don't feel like I've missed much. From what I can tell, very little has really happened on the show. Nobody on the show has really accomplished anything or grown as a person. The show's just treading water waiting for the move. The drama off screen regarding the move has been far more interesting, but my interest in that is even beginning to fade. Rebecca Budig is coming back. Woohoo.

Anyway, I thought I should try to say something really positive about the show--at least just one thing. Not much there for me right now though. About all I'm hanging onto these days is, "Nice theme song". Anyway, this show has been dissected over and over again by some of the best minds in the soap business. Twitter is a'buzz with the FIRE PRATT petition that is circulating. So what am I going to write about that hasn't been said over and over again the past few weeks?

How about a poem? Well it seemed like a good idea at first. The problem was finding my inspiration. Ryan and Erica? Ick. Annie and Adam. Vomit. Randi? Be serious. No the only thing that sort of inspired me was my total detestation of head scribe Chuck Pratt. Right away the rhymes starting whirling inside my brain, "Hickory Dickory Dock. Chuck Pratt can suck my....". However, I remembered that Ashley likes to keep this PG and I already said "shit" in the first sentence so I gave up on that ditty. After pondering this for the better part of a few seconds, I was able to put together this little number to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a hack named Pratt
There is no worse writer, he’s a total ass hat
He is killing All My Children, makes me wonder WTF
Why won’t the network get rid of this guy Chuck?

Pratt that is, Charles Pratt, Pratthole.

Well the first thing you know when his writing hit the air
Viewers said, “Chuck get away from there”
Said Melrose Place is the place you ought to be
Then Frons loaded up the show, moved it to Los Angeleeze.

Hollywierd, that is. Andrita Studios. HD.

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Pratt and all his kin.
To Judy Blye Wilson, Frons, Crapputhers and Brianne
They aren't invited back again to stay in Pine Valley
Even when it starts broadcasting in HDTV

Haul ass, that is. Suck it, We dutch oven you!

Take Denise Vasi, y'hear?


I don't even know if that made sense, but it made me smile a little. Who doesn't love the Hillbillies theme song? How are you all coping with the state of AMC right now? Let's commiserate with each other, right here.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Please Don't Feed the Animals

If you're wondering what the hell that means, click here. (Scroll down to the part about AMC and Nelson Branco's boycott of "one of the worst shows in the history of television." Meow!)

We're back this week, folks, and no, we didn't watch. With two babies and severe sleep deprivation, I literally cannot - and will not - sacrifice almost 5 hours a week to this drivel.

Lots to discuss besides the crapola and bull-ca-ca that Pratt has wreaked on our Pine Valley - like, for example, rumors of Becky Budig's return, Thorsten and Alicia's certain exit, Dorothy Lyman back as Opal?, and lots of other fun stuff!

We miss you all lots, and even if we're not posting (or watching) every week, we're still loving the PVP community! All are welcome, so stop by here.

10/02/09 Podcast

Monday, September 28, 2009

I don't know if "They Shoot Horses", but I hope "They Hire A New Head Writer"

I never saw “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”, but after watching "All My Children" last week I’m going to assume that movie really sucked.

Not being familiar with the film, I did some research. From what I can tell, it is a thoroughly depressing drama about the marathon dance craze of the Great Depression. Apparently, married couples and unacquainted social dancers alike would arduously swing and sway for hundreds of continuous hours for a cash reward. In “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”, the marathon dance acts as a central metaphor for the "dance" of life, and through the motions exists an everlasting berating, conspiracy, and competitive animosity. Only Pratthole would find inspiration in this flick.

If Pratt got anything right, it was the “thoroughly depressing” part, as last week’s episodes were the worst I’ve seen in the decades I’ve watched the show. In my version of hell this dance-a-thon would be playing on Hell-TV 24/7. Conceptually, it was a doomed from the start. In lieu of the “cash reward” common in the Depression era dance marathons, AMC offered a fake charity for real starving Africans. Couldn’t it at least have benefitted a fake charity with some tie to the show like the Miranda Center? Fake charity for real starving people just seems wrong.

Secondly, whatever happens at Fusion/ConFusion usually sucks, so cramming the entire cast into the place is like begging viewers to change the channel. I realize Pratt was trying to accommodate a budget issue, but nothing good ever happens at Fusion/ConFusion and he should know that by now. This is the point in the blog where I would normally make a joke about the legions of characters who have been assaulted at ConFusion or how odd everyone looks with the ConFusion lights shining up their nostrils, but seriously the most ridiculous, ludicrous things happen in this set so again, using this set as the focus of the story set it up for certain failure. Why not have some moving memorial to the town’s history and rise from the destruction of the tornado? It would have been a chance to utilize all the vets we love and may not see much of anymore. Instead we had Adam, Jessie and half the male population of Pine Valley acting their scenes in the women’s restroom at ConFusion. The WOMEN'S restroom! Ridiculous!

Third, I guess Pratt thinks “the dance of life” and “everlasting berating, conspiracy, and competitive animosity” means women duking it out in the crapper. If there was ever a sign of how low this show has sunk under Pratt’s pen, it was the moment the show’s beloved heroine Erica Kane, at 62, apparently stuffed Annie’s head in a toilet. We didn’t actually see Erica cleaning the bowl with Annie’s bangs, but it was pretty clear what happened. I’m assuming Annie doesn’t have a glandular problem we don’t know about that causes profuse sweating from the head. For one thing, Annie could beat Erica up with her lips so Erica throwing Annie around was absurd. For another, after the initial dunking, Annie continued dancing! Did it dawn on her or anyone else that she may have had urine or a piece of shit in her hair? I tell you why Adam passed out. Annie smelled like shit! I’m surprised Annie didn’t die from E-Coli!!!

Fourth, the dancing. Even the black people on this show dance like old white people. This was more Dork Dance-Off than Dancing With the Stars. In fact, there was only one star in attendance, namely Erica. Adam Chandler was more Steve Wozniak than Hélio Castroneves. And I’m assuming the rest of the world isn’t in the midst of a Petey craze, so I don’t think they could have raised $5 on local access let alone whatever they pretended to raise on national TV. I guess we should be grateful we didn’t have to watch Tad try to dance to “My Humps”. And what happened to all those pole dancing skills we saw a few years ago?

As for everything else, it was just varying degrees of shiteous. Erica and Krystal are new BFFs? Never. David, Jake and Amanda continue to make no sense. Whatever snap Jake and Amanda had is evaporating faster than the toilet water on Annie’s forehead. Adam gets light headed and sees a vision of Stuart and then decides to take a break? I would have exited stage left when my date came back from the bathroom with dingleberries in her hair! Madison walks in circles hurling insults at the nearest Hubbard and never once gets the back of Mother Hubbard's hand. Zach and Liza make out on TV and piss off how ever many few Zendall fans still exist out there. JR and Marissa dry hump on the roof but nobody at this huge fake charity event notices. Prisoner-in-hiding Kendall somehow slips past all the media unnoticed, sneaks into ConFusion, and nobody notices.

And as if things weren’t bad enough, Aidan returns.

But to show us that things can always be worse, McKenzie Phillips took over the airwaves with the bile inducing details of her incestuous affair with her father. I was able to keep it down during AMC, but this was too much. I threw up a little in my mouth. Between AMC and McKenzie, the whole week seemed less “Feed the World” and more “World Vomit Week” .

So now we hear that Aidan Turner is out. Rumors are flying that Beth Ehlers is leaving and Beth Ann Bonner is coming, but does any of it really matter as long as Pratthole is still head writer? There was absolutely nothing wrong with Beth Ehlers. She saw the writing on the wall and made a move from GL to AMC and AMC totally failed her. I don't begrudge her a thing. Her storyline sounded great but the execution was heinous. Remember Brot sneaking around the hospital with Colby, er Turdby? She never had a chance. She spoke out in frustration and she got shit-canned for it. Her failure is Pratt's failure and a missed opporturnity. RPG got a legacy character with tons of history. She got an ill defined, poorly imagined character Pratt special. Beth Ann Bonner, you are forewarned.

Thank goodness for the new TV season and all the stuff we can talk about that doesn't involve anyone McKenzie Phillips has had sex with or Chuck Pratt’s writing skills. We may call it the PVP, but it’s so much more. And with all of your astoot commentary, you give AMC and TPTB a chance to see that we care about and support well written, quality programming. So whether it’s OLTL or something else putting a smile on your face this season, all you have to do is let your fingers do the talking, right here.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Only Love Can Save the World

... and only love can save our show.

(Sigh.)

Don't see that happening. Clearly Frons, Pratthole, Craputhers and the rest of the dipshits over at All My Children aren't sharing the love we fans have for their product, or the genre, for that matter. What I can't understand is, why the hell would you work in daytime television unless you loved it? There ain't much money in daytime, and not much respect, either. So you do it (like Carlivati and Wheeler and Valentini) for the love of it. For the love of families, and their stories, to see and experience with them the ups and downs of their lives, the highs and lows. For the comfort in knowing that we are all alike, that we share the same joys and sorrows, and that we all dream of love, comfort, happiness, and maybe a pretty dress once in a while.

People, we did a podcast. Not much to cover on AMC. It's just not fun anymore to comment on because it's just too pathetic. If you wanna hear us dish about the show, save yourself the time. If you wanna hear us dish about everything but AMC, then this podcast is for you!

As for what Jordan and I want? Well, we want to hear you dish, so do your thing folks, here.

(Oh - and do us all a favor: if you haven't already, sign the "Fire Chuck Pratt" petition, here. Thanks, BronxGal, for your valiant efforts!)

9/18/09 Podcast

Monday, September 14, 2009

Where the Hell Do I Start?

First of all, folks, no new podcast this week. We're so sorry - Jordan and I couldn't work out our schedules. We do have so much to talk about and hope to be back next week.

Between feeding my babies, putting them down for (attempted) naps, and playing with them, I have no time for the hot mess that is All My Children. I watch with one eye on Carlos' high-definition television, whilst I read e-mails, clip the twins' nails, cruise websites for cheap Pampers, and read DaytimeConfidential.com. Anything to spare me the full impact of the mess that was once my beloved. (There. I've said it. I feel better admitting it.)

That being said, I am almost up to Friday's eppy. What I enjoyed: Erica's "impromptu" speech on New Beginnings (complete with a finely edited slideshow of her Africa trip), Jake & Mandy's "wedding" (very sweet), and InsAnnie and Scott (hot, hot, hot!). Angie and Jesse are no longer our Angie and Jesse, and I really wish Denise Vasi would go back to modeling for Avon.

INSIDER ALERT: Our sources confirmed that Thorsten Kaye will not be making the trip to La La Land (our delightful friend Nelson Branco of TV Guide Canada first reported the rumblings), and they also confirmed that the primary motive for the move was to be able to "legally" break contracts with the higher-paid actors. Studio, schmudio - Frons is tired of paying Lucci, Williams, Morgan and Knight, and if they decline, he saves. So I've changed my mind - I say, "California, Here They Come!" Foil those effer's plans!

Other stuff much more worthy of our time (and yours)? I'm mixed on Glee, people!! Still adoring Mad Men, digging L.A. Ink fa' real, and even getting into Flip This House. I'm over Hoarders but still loving Intervention, Project Runway is hot, but Models of the Runway leaves me cold, and I ain't missing an eppy of Oprah! The Black Eyed Peas ruled last week.

Oh yeah -there's always our wacky Serena Williams and our kuh-RAY-zee Kanye! Not a good weekend for our African American brothers and sisters.

Finally -and most importantly - is our blog brother (and one of the first PVP fans), Norn (AKA n69). He's been sick for weeks, and just got out of the hospital. A mystery illness, and one that may come back. Let's send him a loving shout-out for a speedy recovery and wishes that he stays healthy! (Oh yeah, and check out his amazing art, too! http://www.nornsisland.com/.)

So much to discuss! Hope you'll join us for it all!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

And the award goes to…The CW?

I’ve been replaying the Daytime Emmys in my head and reading some of the recaps and reviews. It was fun watching Sunday night and blogging and twittering as the winners were announced one after the other. We may have differing opinions regarding how entertaining the telecast was, but at least there was a telecast. It wasn’t on NBC, CBS, ABC or PBS-the networks who garnered the nominations. It wasn’t even on SoapNet, the network that’s supposed to be about soap operas. No, the network we have to thank for giving us the opportunity to watch is the CW, a network that didn’t have any nominations and doesn’t even have a daytime lineup. Thanks to CW, soap enthusiasts like us get a chance to debate who looked best and who needs to trash their stylists, who won and who was robbed, and whether the telecast was a classy fete’ or a hot mess. It wasn’t the flashiest, grandest celebration, but it was better than nothing.

Now the ratings have been tabulated and it should surprise nobody they were down 50% from last year’s telecast on ABC. Already pundits and doomsayers have labeled the ratings decline as another sign of a dying genre. I haven’t seen any mention of the fact that the telecast wasn’t publicized well or that it was on a network that garners a much smaller average audience anyway or that it aired on one of the historically lowest rated nights of the year. Reports are that CW is even abandoning Sunday night altogether and giving the airtime back to its affiliates because it has performs so poorly on Sundays. All awards shows have been declining in ratings for years-Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Globes are all down.

I’m not out of touch with reality. I get that daytime network TV is in turmoil, but as is typical of the media and pop culture these days, the hype of daytime’s demise is reaching fever pitch and I don’t think it’s fair to take this one event as anything more than what it was for CW—time filler until they date they turn the night back to the affiliates, a way to promote the upcoming season of Melrose Place to a targeted audience of 2.5 million potential viewers who may have some interest in the resurrected soap. I’ve watched AMC and OLTL since the 1970s and I was an avid Melrose fan right up until the time Jamie Luner joined the cast which for me was the exact time it started to suck. I’m sure it was just a coincidence. Who knows exactly why CW chose to air the Daytime Emmys, but I’m glad they did. As a soap fan, maybe I’ll return the favor and check out the new Melrose Place this fall.

Maybe next year the Emmys will merge and air the best of daytime and primetime together. I doubt it. In fact, I'm not sure I’ll ever get to see the live telecast again after this year, so thanks CW for giving this regular guy at least one more time to share the Emmy evening live.

As for “All My Children”, it received 5 Daytime Emmy Awards. Vincent Irizarry took home the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. AMC also won Outstanding Achievement in Art Direction/Set Decoration/Scenic Design for a Drama Series; Outstanding Achievement in Lighting Direction for a Drama Series; Outstanding Achievement in Live and Direct to Tape Sound Mixing for a Drama Series, and Outstanding Achievement in Technical Direction/Electronic Camera/Video Control for a Drama Series. I guess all the technical awards means that they liked the Tornado, the helicopter scene, the flushing sounds between scenes, the shaky camera outside at the Yacht Club, and the soft focus on the old people.

As for the actual AMC episodes last week, I have just a few observations. Even though I want to be positive for the genre and not make mountains out of mole hills, AMC itself bored me to tears last week. The chief problem for me continues to be in the writing.

Suck on this Pratt:

People kicking in Zach’s door is becoming as cliché’ as people breaking into the Chandler Mansion through the tunnels.

The whole Hubbard clan has been shamefully turned into a lying, stealing, kidnapping bunch of dipshits, and it is egregious what Pratt has done to Jesse and Angie. With an adept, talented writer, the focus of the show could make Jesse and Angie the new moral center of the show like the Martins were once. Bianca could be the new Kane matriarch—a power lesbian with Mama Kane’s drive. Now I am dreaming.

I am tired of “Todos Los Ninos” and Pratt poking fun at AMC and the genre in his wink wink nod to the imaginary telenova. Pratt should take his responsibility for AMC more seriously.

At first, I thought maybe it was just all the blood rushing to JR’s moobs that made him lightheaded. Now we know he has a rare form of lymphoma. How original. As much as they have emasculated JR over the years, I’m surprised they didn’t give him testicular cancer and make him a uniball. He’s already a raging alcoholic. Last year he had hepatitis. What other bullshit disease can Pratt heap upon JR? Restless Leg Syndrome?

Zach is a patronizing pig, but JaLu thinks he has sexy eyes. Pratt went to the well again and had Kendall inflict a head injury on JaLu. Kendall’s swipe wouldn’t have been so bad, but the punch knocked JaLu’s panties off again and she tripped and hit her head.

I like it when Madison refers to Randi as Frankie’s “hooker wife”.

Somehow David figured out the whole baby thing, kidnapped Liza and held her at gunpoint. When Pratt runs out of ideas, somebody pulls a gun or suffers a head injury.

I just can’t quit this show, but I want it to get fun again. It's boring, poorly written, completely unrealistic and has abandoned the founding premises that made it a joy to watch. After so many years of wonderful entertainment, I feel obligated to the cast and crew to watch. Aside from the obvious answer of FIRING CHUCK PRATT, what else can we suggest to turn this boat around? Let your thoughts rip on AMC, the Emmys, Mad Men (love that show right now), Guiding Light (the end is near) or whatever pops into your astoot minds, right here.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Dumbest. Shit. Ever.

You are officially warned, folks. Yes, we did a podcast, but no, it ain't pretty. For reasons so ass-tootly captured by our fellow bloggers last week, All My Children was dumb-as-shit last week. A Scorpion on Krystal's chest? Nurse Gayle working a bar for David and hiding some super-mysterious (duh) guest? Zach locking Kendall in the attic? Madison "Cartoon-character" North constantly twirling her Jolen-Cream-Bleach-ed mustache with threats for Jesse, Frankie, and Angie? Angie and Jesse now both breaking the law? Frankie agreeing they should keep Rancid's kidnapped baby and yelling at his mother so ruthlessly? (Pratt really don't know black folk. You don't raise your voice at your momma like that, not without a slap upside the head. At least not where I come from. And certainly not at Momma Angela.)

I must have the word "idiot" stamped on my forehead, folks. It's so weird. I don't see it when I look in the mirror, but it must be there. Certainly the execs at AMC see it.

So go ahead. Listen at your own peril. Just don't ask why we decided to open with Guiding Light and end with One Life to Live.

Feel free to rip the show - or me - a new one, here.

8/21/09 Podcast

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dreams of Californication?

Last week on AMC, Annie asks the burning question: “Want some?” to which Scott replies, “Hell yeah!” and rips off his velcro shirt.

David and Liza share a kiss and the perfect Valtrex moment reminding us, as they say in the commercials, "it can affect both men and women, causing periodic outbreaks that may appear as painful or itchy clusters of blisters, bumps, and rashes in the genital area." Last week Adam got a prescription for Viagra. Next week Krystal’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome causes an embarrassing moment at ConFusion, but leads to the start of another cougar romance with an empathetic Petey who suffers from spontaneous bouts of greasy discharge.

Kendall’s face is plastered on the PV Bulletin Online, but nobody realizes someone else is impersonating her in jail. Meanwhile, the real Kendall hides out in a safe room furnished with cardboard boxes and Annie’s old furniture from Oak Haven dreaming of happier times and nicer sets.

Pratt continues his plan to turn the Hubbards into boring white people by making Jessie Zach’s new nanny and forcing Angie to wear Annie’s hand-me-down dresses and tresses with bangs.

Frankie learns how to use a key – with his fingers! Madison acts circles around Randi and sort of comes on to Frankie I guess because he’s really good with keys.

Randi is still a little gassy so she goes to the hospital to yell at Angie. Randi runs into Opal who reads her palm, but unfortunately Opal doesn't see acting lessons in Randi’s future. I also think Randi actually said “supposebly”.

AMC and Pratt continue to display a stunning grasp of realism as Tad and Taylor leave baby Trevor on the back porch of the church that looks just like the one Emma burned down in Puerto Rico. Fortunately, Jessie is the Chief of Police of Pratt Valley so it doesn’t matter that it’s a criminal offense. Opal, Tad, Taylor, Amanda and Jake are utterly surprised that the plan goes awry, that Child Protective Services whose job it is to provide for the health, safety and welfare of children, especially ones abandoned in burned out Puerto Rican churches, may get involved and possibly not turn the baby over to Jake and Amanda, if they can ever even actually find Trevor.

It’s been a week since TPTB announced AMC’s relocation to Los Angeles and subtle changes can already be seen taking place on screen. If you look carefully behind the outside shot of the Pratt Valley, uh Pine Valley Hospital, you can just make out the HOLLYWOOD’ sign and the giant Mickey Mouse water tower. For the next few weeks, the real question isn’t “Who Killed Stuart” but who among the cast will check into the Hotel California to Live or Die in L.A.? Will Susan Lucci become a California Girl? Will Cameron Matheson attempt to find out if it really Ever Rains in Southern California? Will David Canary find All the Gold in California? OMG, will Brianne Moncrief like totally start talking like a Valley Girl? Whatever! That is OMG like, so, like, stupid, like, really, like, stupid! She totally like already talks like that!

It may be a podcastless week, but keep the blog just keeps going right here.

Monday, August 10, 2009

California, There They Go

Well, Brian Frons must be pleased with himself. When he hired Chuck Pratt as Head Writer of All My Children, he probably thought that would be the end. No more daytime! We kill All My Children with Pratt's sucktastic writing, and the others will follow. After all, AMC is the lead-in to both One Life to Live and General Hospital. But no! He didn't count on "those things you call - The Fans" being loyal. Somehow, many of us are still hanging in there - hoping - praying - that the madness will end. That our Brooke, our Dixie, will come back! That the vets will get stories worthy of their talent, that Man-Hands JaLu will take a long walk on a short pier, that Erica will grow up gracefully, and that the phrase "dead behind the eyes" will be a thing of the past! Why? Because we love our show! It's our AMC, Fronsie!

So what did Frons go ahead and do? He all but killed the thing with one stroke of his fat hand. Signed away AMC's New York studio space to OLTL, and announced the move to Ca-lih-for-ny-ay. La-La land, it is, forcing much of the cast and crew at best to quit, and at worst, to leave family and friends behind. Honestly, I would have preferred that he man-up and just cancelled the damn show. Just be done with it, dude! But no - he's chosen a long, torturous death for the show. And the vets, the staff, the cast (most of them, anyway) deserve more. Much more. EFF YOU FRONSIE! EFF YOU PRATT! I DUTCH OVEN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I feel better. DO your thing, people, here.

8/7/09 Podcast

Monday, August 03, 2009

They Give Emmys for This, Really?

Hey, I’m a friendly guy. In fact, I’d call myself a people person. I like all kinds of people. OK, people who act illogically bother me a little, and yes I’m quick to lose patience with people who don’t have any sense of personal boundaries. I guess that explains why I was a little concerned about our AMC friends this past week.

For example, what is with the open windows and doors in Pine Valley? And why is everyone always lurking around outside their friends and neighbors homes? Logical people don’t do that, especially when the town is in the midst of a crime spree— stabbings, shootings, break-ins. Not to mention epidemic head trauma and memory loss. Crazy people walking around killing and shooting at people and immediately repressing the memory or remembering repressed memories that totally never happened anyway! People in this town are batshit crazy!! Even if I lived in English Manor, I would have bars on the windows and booby trap all the doorways.

And when I go to a friend’s house, I usually call ahead and enter politely through the front door--especially if my friend is a single woman living alone with a baby in the house or if my friend is a wealthy old goat living on an estate allegedly crawling with security and which is the subject of a sensational murder investigation. I don’t think I’d be sneaking up on or surprising anyone. What if the open window or unlocked door is booby trapped? What if I were to startle the person and they picked up the gun laying near them on the floor, or under the bed, or in the flower pot or taped on the inside of the toilet lid and took a shot at me? You know they are at least going to hit you in the head and give you a nasty bruise. Who needs that? Pick up the phone and call first. Knock on the door and wait for it to be answered. Safety first people!

Anyway, here’s a rundown of last week’s shen-ANNIE-gans on AMC:

JESSIE is working too hard. He needs to cut NATALIA some slack and let her help. He can’t handle the PV crime spree alone.

Emotions are running high in the Hubbard clan. FRANKIE howled and flashed his big white wolf teeth over how shitty his luck has become. RANDI’s nostrils quivered after she lost the baby.

RYAN gritted and hissed and clenched his butt cheeks because he really didn’t want anybody to talk to EMMA. (I really wish somebody would pop RYAN’S thong when he goes on a rant.)

AMANDA is a beautiful idiot, and her plan is doomed before it gets underway. She is sneaking in Taylor’s window every 5 minutes, sleeping on the couch. I sort of understand where she’s coming from. There are at least 20 less people sleeping at TAYLOR’S house than the MARTIN house. But can't she just use the front door, knock before entering and call ahead?

TREVOR is already an addict—passed out on the couch with approximately 10 empty Enfamil bottles surrounding him.

KENDALL aka Alicia Minshew has a baby bulge. Manhands JALU just has a bulge.

KENDALL’s future is unclear after a repressed memory comes back to her and causes her to think she murdered the town’s beloved doofus.

ALERT: In case you missed it on SoapNet, the commercials for FlirtyGirlFit.com are sleazy and hot. Holy crap!

ERICA holds her own with everyone – DA "DUH" WILLIE, ADAM, LIZA, JACK, KENDALL, and proves why she’s the glue that binds the show together. But Granny don’t need to be bustin’ on RYAN’s nut no how.

INSANNIE rocks the jailhouse in her hot Pocahontas outfit. She may have worn it all week, but it was so much hotter than KENDALL’S tube top parade and JALU’s death wardrobe.

ZACH continued to not bathe and growl at everyone about KENDALL’S innocence while sporting that classic “buttcut” hairdo with a greasy part down the middle.

TAD and TAYLOR share some light, sweet, funny scenes that don’t involve sperm, head injuries, murder, guns, tunnels, or AIDUMB.

AIDUMB said some stuff I didn’t understand again. Something like: “Yaw wecum fo dah alibuy. Annie an aye aw fineeto.”

OPAL returned in a hilarious getup that looks expensive even though she’s allegedly destitute. She should have received a nice lump sum from her insurance company after the mansion burned. Can’t she buy her own condo and get a man?

ADAM made a rhyme: “Am I not clear? Get her out of here.” and followed quickly with something like “Erica Erica Erica Kane, Erica Kane”.

MARISSA confided to KWAK that she is dreaming of a threeway with JR and BEAKER.

THIS WEEK ON AMC:

It’s a very special week when STACEY LONDON and CLINTON KELLY show up from TLC’s What Not to Wear to makeover the entire town!! Watch them throw out KENDALL’S tube top collection while CARMINDY slathers her in Mederma scar fading cream. See JALU wince as they trash her collection of black dresses and undergarments for a colorful new wardrobe and underwear that doesn’t fall around her ankles! Marvel as they put TAD in the 360° mirror and show him how to accentuate the positives while slenderizing that buddha-belly. But the shit really hits the fan when ANGIE battles NICK’s efforts to tame the Weave and she takes offense to STACEY and CLINTON for trashing all the sweater vests she lovingly knit for JESSIE.

Let’s hear what you have to say about it all—right here.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Something is Really "Rancid" in Pine Valley

  • Randi is constipated? Has a really bad headache? Has to really, really go the bathroom? Oh, right! She is having abdominal pain and may be having a miscarriage.
  • Adam does a little safety dance because InsAnnie is giving him regular doses of her hey-nanny-nanny.
  • Emma gets the Gitmo treatment.
  • The Ghost of Stuart Past visits Kendall (and you know it's him because he is too simple to have ever learned how to completely tuck his collar into his sweaters).
  • We still don't care about this dumbass murder mystery, but we do like Madison's hat.

We're back! A shorter 'cast than we usually do, but a cast nonetheless. We had fun, in between babies crying. (God, it's hard to record a silly show when your newborns are crying.) We missed you all, we hope you like it, and we hope to be back again soon. In the meantime, take a listen and feel free to interject with your ass-toot observations on anything and everything your pretty little hearts desire here.

7/24/09 Podcast

Monday, July 20, 2009

We Watched Even Though We Didn't Have To

Jordan hated last week's eppys of All My Children. I, however.... Maybe it's sleep deprivation, or the fact that breast-feeding twins keeps me parked in front of the television for pretty much the entire day until Carlos comes home, but I found some entertainment in last weeks' episodes. That Spinelli guy asking that blonde chick to marry him after having sex with her for the first, mind-blowing time -- adorable! Oh, wait a minute... that's not AMC, is it? (Sigh.)

Okay, so I liked: anything A-Mam-da and Jake, Beaker and eBabe, InsAnnie in that bikini, Madison's hat (the Performer of the Week IMHO), and very little Aidumb. I hated: anything Erica and Ryass and Randi, and the continued decimation of Jesse Hubbard's character.

Notes to y'all: anyone notice Marissa's long neck? I like the actress and the character, people, but fair is fair. She looks like one of those women that puts rings around their necks to make them longer, and when they take them off their necks are crazy long! I was also tickled by Man-Hands JaLu (about the only thing about this character that I enjoy). Take a closer look, folks -JaLu got them man-hands! Makes me really miss our classy Mini-Hands Julia!

My biggest gripe? When Joonyer pulled out Adam's wedding albums, and listed Adam's brides to InsAnnie. Am I wrong, or wasn't Adam married to Brooke? Of course, TIIC wouldn't mention our beloved Brooke. Friggin' a-holes.

Jordan and I will try to do a quck 'cast for next week. Jesse and Estela are keeping me very busy. (I have finally figured out how to use the john with one babe in arms. I'm working on two.) I am also trying to Twitter here and there (PVPodcast is my screen-name, yo'!), and Facebook once in a while, but I won't be back to full speed for a little while, so please be patient with me. In the meantime, a HUGE shout-out to Shadow for his ass-toot and hilarious posts, and to Jordan and all-a-y'all for keeping our little community rockin'. Keep on keepin' on here.

Monday, July 13, 2009

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Hello everyone! Glad to be back home after a wonderful beach vacation. I’m still tying to catch up on all the episodes I missed, but thanks to your ass-toot commentary here on the blog I’m not totally clueless about all the shen-Annie-gans that have been going on in Pine Valley while I was soaking up the sun. I still have two weeks of old episodes to wade through. From what I have seen so far, I would borrow a phrase from Ashley and request "less shit, more shinola please" from TPTB. Remember when Pine Valley was a nice place to live? It's been a long time since people could just lounge around privately in their living rooms without getting killed, have a private conversation anywhere, or enjoy an afternoon drink at a trendy bar without getting shanked in the bathroom. One minute you're swilling a Cosmo and the next you're bleeding out your ass. And wherever you go, something or someone could strike you in the head at any moment! Crazy people are everywhere! With guns and ammo! The town is riddled with pimps and ho's. And *do not* have sex with people in Pine Valley! Seriously, you may think you're privately shagging one person, but soon the whole town will be pregnant, everyone's on Montel taking paternity tests, and you find out somebody else made a videotape of the act! And don't even try walking around naked in your own Pine Valley home because the entire town may be peeping in your windows or walk in unannounced at any moment! That is sooooo embarrassing! Enid and Phoebe would be horrified at what our little community has become!

Ok, I know you were all hoping to find a new podcast with Ashley and Jordan, but instead you got a blog post from me—sort of like finding a nice little half shell on the beach instead of the massively beautiful conch shell you hoped to discover instead. (I really did have a great time at the beach!). Honestly, JordAsh planned to do a podcast this week, but just couldn’t quite make it come together in time. I’ve got my fingers crossed that next week they will return from hiatus. I’d type more, but it’s hard to do with my fingers crossed. Let’s hear what you have to say, right here.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

A Podcast-less Post for a 'Ho-Hum Week

(Get it? " 'Ho Hum"?)

From what I can recall from my sleep-deprived, new mommy brain, the following events occured sometime in the past week on All My Children:
  • Randi "frets" and "worries" about her past with North, and the Hooker With The Eyes of Stone succumbs to North's invitation. Hold on to your seats, viewers! What will Randi do next?!?
  • Adam has hired a "security team."
  • Annie tries to strangle Erica (who even makes being choked look glam).
  • Ry-ass and Tad the Murderer make a plea to hot-shot District Attorney North. (Something like, "Trust me. Annie is the murderer." Wow. That Pratt writes dialogue like nobody's business.)
  • Annie's Bangs win Standout Performer of the Week.
  • Oh yeah - JaLu bears her baby via basement window. (Wait a minute - was that last week? It's all one ri-dick-a-lous blur.)

Hellooooo viewers! I'm giving the incredibly talented Shadow a much needed break (and taking one of my own). Shadow's enjoying Hilton Head with his family, and I'm enjoying... family! A new thing for me and Carlos! The twins (Jesse and Estela) are here, and I'm thrilled. (It does make watching the Amanda/JaLu birth scenes a little hard to stomach. But I was happy to eat my words - I've always loved Chrishelle Stause as Amanda, but I've been tough on her performances at times. Well, our girl proved me wrong - she was one of the few highlights for me over the past 4 weeks of the hot mess that is AMC.)

Anyway! So much else to discuss, as Shadow noted! Anything goes - Wheel of Fortune, Summer TV hits-and-misses, Jacko farewells, and - oh yeah - All My Children. Discuss, beautiful people, discuss!

(BTW - Jordan and I have missed talking to y'all so very much. We hope to have a new podcast up in the next week or two. In the meantime, thanks again to everyone - especially our amazing Shadow - for keeping the PVP community not only alive, but kicking!)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Life's A Beach...

What a crazy week! OLTL’s Carlotta is recast and sparks a debate over the burgeoning Fish storyline with our own Jordan and DiscoDan weighing in on the issues. The entertainment world takes a big hit with the losses of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and pitchman Billy Mays, and we, like the rest of the world, paused for a moment to share some reflections on how our lives were touched by them all. Beth Ehlers sounds off about her sucktastic experience on the Chuck Pratt penned AMC. Our friend Norn (n69) goes inside ABC studios and gets a first hand look behind the scenes at ABC Daytime! And our sweet Mel Got Served takes a shot at an audition for “Wheel of Fortune”. Oh yeah, and from what I’ve read here on the blog, a bunch of stuff happened on or about AMC.

Sorry guys, I didn’t watch much of AMC last week because I was too busy getting ready for our beach vacation this week. That means I won’t be watching much this week either. Kids rule and they want to snorkel, swim, fish, build drippy castles and play putt-putt golf all day. (I have to say, that’s all pretty fun stuff too!) If you wouldn’t mind watching so I don’t have to, I sure would appreciate it. I’ll reset the blog so it doesn’t get too huge, and you post your ass-toot comments right here.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Keep It Simple

  • Emma faked a tummy ache knowing Ryan would immediately rush her to the hospital where she could sneak away to visit Annie. Is Emma the new Crazy Kathy? Like Mother, Like Daughter I hope.
  • Aside from the complete implausibility of the plot, Chrishell Stause delivered an emotional and moving performance as Amanda delivered a perfect baby boy and told the world he died. David continued to defy the limits of time, logic and probability by being everywhere, all the time, at just the right time. Fortunately for David, flights leave Pine Valley every 30 minutes for Barbados. After finding out Jake and Amanda were there, he immediately hopped a flight and arrived minutes after the birth. The entire hospital staff was primed and ready for him and swore the baby died. Will David just accept the baby’s death or will he keep harassing Amanda until she cracks? Where is Janet From Another Planet in Amanda’s hour of need? David is no match for Grandma JFAP.

  • Speaking of David, he proved his love for Krystal by driving drunk and wrecking into a guardrail. Krystal suffered her 80th head injury this year and was hospitalized just after she did a Penelope Pittstop in Tad’s arms. David also mocked Marissa for trying to be the daughter he never had, but JR made her feel better by explaining how she reminded him of cherry coke swilling, guacamole eating Saint Babe of Pine Valley.

  • Tad mixed with the ladies and showed chemistry with JaLu, KWAK and Taylor. After reminiscing about old times with JaLu and realizing that Krystal’s heart is still with her head bashing husband, he pondered if Tad the Cad was dead. Then he sipped wine and popped a woody with Taylor at the ConFusion bar. Taylor and Brot’s relationship hit the skids.

  • Angie’s Mood Weave turned limp and lifeless as Angie fretted over Frankie’s future. Frankie continued his downward spiral unable to turn the pages of his favorite magazine, sip from a wine goblet, or eat macaroni and cheese with a fork. The whole family staged an intervention and reminded him that he’s married to a really hot hooker.

  • JaLu took on Annie’s case, while Adam accepted Annie into his home and kicked JR and Lil’ A out on their Lil’ Asses.

  • Adam and the DA continue working to make the case against Kendall, who responded by sleeping late, watching TV, playing with her kids and parading about in low-cut blouses revealing her glistening 10” scar. Adam & Co. may be out to get her, but she’s too busy rubbing Mederma scar fading cream all over her chest and fantasizing about a ménage a trios’ with Ryan and Zach to care.

  • Ryan kissed Erica in a weird, unnecessary scene. Annie kissed Adam and I felt a little bile rise up in the back of my throat, although I wonder who is playing who. Adam and Annie are gross, but sort of interesting. Ryan and Erica are just gross. Pratt says the audience wants it to happen though. The lesson here is: keep it simple enough for Pratt to understand or he will misinterpret what we say. Here’s how you do it:

    F-I-R-E C-H-U-C-K P-R-A-T-T !

    Now it’s your turn, right here.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happy Anniversary Chuck Pratt or Fire Chuck Pratt??

This month marks Chuck Pratt’s one year anniversary since joining All My Children, and we have him to thank for these gems from the last week:

  • Another week, another head injury as David threw JR into a doorframe and knocked him out, and Tad threw a punch at David for calling him stupid. Hopefully the Babe Carey Chandler Memorial Wing at PVH specializes in treatment of head traumas.

  • Amanda accepted Jake’s spontaneous proposal and the two shared a funny, moving exchange of vows in a double wedding with Marco and Consuela. But was it over the top to have David and Marissa burst in unannounced?

  • On their honeymoon in Barbados, Jake and Amanda frolic on the beach in a scene we didn’t see, then Amanda delivered the spawn of David. Fortunately for JaLu, Jake has the best cell phone ever and an unlimited calling plan for calls between the US and Barbados.

  • JaLu may be mixing it up in black and white, but she still got no respect for her pregnancy as David pushed her around and Tad threw a dart in her belly. And she continues to be the most ethically challenged lawyer ever--pity the fool who gives her a retainer.

  • The murder mystery investigation heats up and the scarce evidence uncovered by Jessie makes Kendall the main suspect. We did find out that Ryan and Zach wear a size 10.5 shoe and David wears an 11. Next week we find out Kendall’s bra size and whether Stuart preferred boxers or briefs. I don’t know what any of it has to do with who murdered Stuart, but what does?

  • Krystal got her bitch back, and Marissa pledged to save David from himself.

  • Returning from his extended contract negotiations, uh, I mean tour of duty in Iraq, Frankie continued to mourn the loss of his digits. Randi hasn’t had sex in weeks and her inner ‘ho is losing her patience. As long as she can ride the big digit, she's not too concerned about the other ten.

  • Annie laid around in bed all week, while Adam and Aidan poked around the hospital mumbling about their feelings for her.

  • Apparently, Taylor is getting a rest from her exhausting storyline. She and Carmen Sugar Morales are vacationing in an undisclosed location. Maybe one day these fan faves will return with Brooke.

When ABC announced Pratt's hiring, Frons said: "Charles Pratt, Jr. is a master storyteller. His talents in writing today's biggest primetime hits in conjunction with his vast experience with daytime dramas will undoubtedly elevate All My Children stories in new and exciting directions."

Pratt officially arrived in June 2008. How do you think things are going one year into Pratt’s reign? The last year brought us a totally wacked InsAnnie, Erica/Adam alliance, Bianca, Reese & Gabrielle, the CGI Tornado, the anniversary show, Myrtle's funeral, Greenlee, Babe and Stuart's deaths, the return of David, the Satin Slayer, Angie and Jessie, Jake, Scott and Liza, an introduction to Taylor, Brot, Rancid, ehr Randi, and Marissa, Bucktoothed Boogerface, Dr. Sheridan Crane Sullivan, lots of head injuries, several bum hearts, a coma or two, some temporary blindness and so forth.

Do you think anything is better or is the show circling the drain? Should ABC renew Pratt for another year or part company? If you could give Pratthole, Frons or Crapputhers a word of advice, what would it be? Please share your thoughts, here.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Angie Great. Brot good. Randi bad. GhostBabe worse. Pratt worst.

  • As if killing Stuart wasn’t bad enough, Pratt makes us relive it over and over as he drags the “Who Shot Stuart” murder mystery out all summer long. Of course the real mystery is “WTF is with Tad?”.

  • Jessie is still acting like a Private Dick. Erica is the worst Private Dick ever, and Petey ruins the most significant piece of evidence discovered so far.

  • What does Emma know about Stuart's death? She has a thing for guns. Not long ago she found a gun under the bed, and while most girls draw bunnies, flowers and butterflies, Emma draws an Astra, 357 Magnum, 3 " barrel, Armaloy satin finish, Lee Reloading dye, handgun.

  • Pratt shoots another blank with an old storyline involving the sperm switch fiasco of Colby’s conception.

  • Colby tries to read. Annie gets shanked for reading. Ryan tries basic math. Bless his heart.

  • It’s Smackdown at Wildwind as KWAK and David go mano y mano over the end of their loving union!

  • Kendall is torn between two lovers, and feelin’ like a fool, because lovin’ both of them is breakin’ all the rules…

GOOD NEWS! Chrishell Stause aka Amamda Dillon mercifully extends her contract through the end of the year!

NEXT WEEK ON All My Children: One character’s sperm ends up in a place it doesn’t belong! Another beloved character suffers a blunt force trauma to the head! (Ok, I totally made that up, but the odds are in my favor.)

Well folks, there may not be a new podcast this week, but there’s plenty to dish about. Let’s keep the blog going while Ashley takes a break to start the adventure of her life with Carlos and The Twins. Be on the lookout for Jordan’s posts. No doubt he’ll have plenty of ass-toot commentary about AMC and the whole summer TV season! Post your thoughts and send Ashley happy thoughts right here.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

A Boring Whodunit, and a Surprise (from Us!)

  • Stuart gets killed, as Chuck Pratt commits another desperate act for the sake of ratings.
  • Jesse acts like a real Private Dick.
  • Jennifer Bassey's Marian makes us cheer, while J.Lu makes us wanna hurl.
  • The whole murder mystery has us rolling our eyes.
  • The Young and the Restless anyone? Anyone?
We're back from a brief hiatus folks! And we're about to take another one! We hope you enjoy the podcast, and that it'll all make sense once you get, oh, about 5 minutes in! During our hiatus, Jordan and Shadow will keep everyone busy and buzzing with new blogs (minus the podcast) every week or so for the next month or so. We love our little PVP family, and we hope you'll stick around and keep on posting. We'll be back before you know it, but in the meantime, keep the commentary going this week here.

5/29/09 Podcast

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Murder, Mystery, and Misogyny

(Not to mention crazy Emmy nominations!)
  • Adam (?) gets killed, and Ian lives to see another day.
  • Unfortunately, Aidumb lives to see another day, too.
  • Emma and Lil' A continue to be ignored.
  • eBabe rocks the screen.

Thanks for your patience, folks. We're so glad to be back! Lots to talk about, so do your thang like you always do here.

5/15/09 Podcast

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm Pooped

(Not literally, people, but figuratively speaking. To clarify, I feel as tired as Denise Vasi's acting.)

Like Jordan mentioned, I needed a break this week. But we'll both be back in time next week to cover the riveting and shocking developments in Pine Valley! (Uh, the developments aren't really that riveting, but they are shocking - in a not-so-good way - but we'll talk more about that next week.)
For now, perhaps you'll enjoy this oldie-but-goodie: our ass-toot observations on Alex Cambias, Sr.'s first time around Pine Valley, when our little Alicia Minshew had to spend a week as Kendall wkith a hypodermic needle poised to pierce her delicate little neck. (This PVP eppy originally aired on March 9th, 2007.)

And, as always, feel free to share your own ass-toot observations on everything from Nurse Gayle's oversized "Chucky" head to eBabe's (love that Katya!) extremely short pants to JaLu's mercifully brief but overinflated appearances on our little show, here.

3/09/07 Podcast

Monday, May 04, 2009

Super Genius

Chuck Pratt's genius inspires amazing stories this month, like
  • The Satin Slayer returns to shock Pine Valley with his terrifying ramblings!
  • Liza returns - and she's got a shockingly hot vagina!
  • Brot and Taylor sizzle as Brot travels the country making speeches!
  • Krystal has a shocking secret - and a surprisingly large PayPal balance!
(Oy.)

You've done it - you've truly inspired us. Between Shadow's now mandatory signoff ("Fire Chuck Pratt!") to Ms. Casey Shameless' (et al!) purposeful use of the "Fire Pratt!" photo to Susan and Elyse's tireless "Fire Charles Pratt!" efforts, we're hoping to inspire a movement. With the help of our uber-talented Louie2K, we'll be promoting FirePratt.com, and we hope you'll spread the word. More on this to come, but for now, we'll take whatever else you've got to say (you know we want to hear it), here.

5/1/09 Podcast

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

AAARRGGH!!!!

WARNING: THIS POCAST CONTAINS SCREAMING. PLEASE - DO NOT LISTEN WITHOUT EASY ACCESS TO THE VOLUME CONTROLS ON YOUR AUDIO DEVICES. HEARING LOSS MAY RESULT.

  • "Liza" is back, and she's unrecognizable in every way.
  • Zach and Kendall are a hot mess.
  • Ryass continues to be Ry-assy, while Ins-Annie gets Ins-Annier, and Aidumb gets Aidumber.
  • Erica continues to stun us with her fabulousness.
  • Brot and Taylor who?
Sorry for the late 'cast this week, folks. Family affairs took away from our podcast time. There's loads to talk about people (dead Chandlers, anyone?), so please: do what you all do best, here!

4/24/09 Podcast

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sex & Tornadoes

  • Liza, er, we mean, Jamie Luner, effs her way back into Pine Valley (and it's with Zach, no less).
  • Krystal seems back to her old self as she betrays David on the stand.
  • Jake's rescue-complex kicks in (or maybe it's just guilt?).
  • Jesse and Angie make love. (Ahh... Now that's good soap!)

The folks at All My Children have done it again. They've introduced (or reintroduced) a female character by having her boff her way onto the screen. Is that all Chuck Pratt knows? Sex and tornadoes? A thousand Romans can't be wrong! We're all saying the same thing, people! Is this man just too dazzled by his own "brilliance" that he thinks that his pen shits roses? And somehow, he's gotten the top brass at ABC to believe that. Oy.

If you haven't already, you must check out the Pratt Falls series on YouTube. These brilliant gals are saying it all, and much more brilliantly than we ever could. What do you think? We want more, more, MORE of your thoughts here!

4/17/09 Podcast

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

He's Baa-aack!

After a 6-month break from All My Children, Taylor Crawford, the co-founder of The Pine Valley Podcast is our guest host this week. (And he's none too excited about the "changes" he's seen.) Among the gems:
  • Annie isn't really crazy - it's all her brother's fault that she killed and killed again and again.
  • Zach and Kendall are clearly on the outs. (So much so that they kiss this week.)
  • David Hayward obsesses over his genetic material, whilst Krystal remains "missing."
  • Erica Kane has been to paradise, but she's never been to me.

We didn't discuss on the podcast, but our Chuck Pratthole has been all the buzz on DaytimeConfidential.com. The di&#wad sucked it again: first, he sets up Jamie "No A$$ Kisser" Luner for a huge fall with his stoopit comments, then blames the hot mess of a lesbian wedding storyline on Eden Riegel! What a di&#! What do you think? Let us know, here.

(Huge thanks again to Taylor Crawford for his fun appearance this week. Jordan "Toodles" Hudson will be back next week - it wouldn't be the PVP without him!)

4/10/09 Podcast

Monday, April 06, 2009

72 Seasons of Love

  • No, we're not talking about All My Children, but it's relevant: Guiding Light was cancelled this week, and soaps fans everywhere are mourning.

What more is there to say? Guiding Light did everything right as far as we can tell, and the ax still fell. What does this mean for our little show, which doesn't feel very right lately? For more on this and other crazy-ass soap news (Kathy Brier getting fired from OLTL? Alexander Cambias, Sr. coming back to AMC?), go to DaytimeConfidential.com for their amazing daytime coverage, and to AMC Superposter for his amazing AMC spoilers. After you're done reading, don't forget to leave your comments with us. We're not the only ones with ass-toot observations!

4/3/09 Podcast

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Did We Miss Something?

  • Kendall and Ryan are in love again (in less than a few weeks after Greenlee's death).
  • Adam is sick and missing.
  • Jesse and Angie are foster parents.
  • Frankie and Rancid miss their flight to Hawaii.
  • InsAnnie and Aidumb are MIA. (I'm not so bummed about this one, actually.)
Lots of story blanks for the viewers to fill in this week, Mr. Pratt(hole)! I serisouly feel like I'm watching half-asleep. It's getting so bad, I seem to miss even the things that are happening onscreen! Discuss, here.

Thanks once again to Louie2K for his amazing opening themes, to DaytimeConfidential.com for their amazing daytime coverage, and to AMC Superposter for his amazing AMC spoilers. And don't forget: send your questions to us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com. We love hearing from you!

3/27/09 Podcast

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cartoon Scenes & Overdone Schemes....


  • Ryan has sex with Kendall. (That's fine, though, 'cuz Greenlee said it's, like, totally okay.)
  • A-Mam-Da has a totally awesome idea about, like, how to save her kid.
  • Yet another custody battle, and this time, David and Krystal are twirling their mustaches.
  • Randi. Must. Go.
What else can we say? (Sigh.) I'd much rather talk about our friends: thanks to Louie2K for this week's totally awesome opening theme, to DaytimeConfidential.com for a totally awesome interview last week, and to AMC Superposter for "spoiling" All My Children "so we don't have to!" (Get it?)

Y'all can fill in the rest of the blanks (as you always so capably do) here. (And send your questions to us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com. We'll try to answer a few during next week's show - we promise!)

3/20/09 Podcast

Monday, March 16, 2009

We Watched, But We Didn't 'Cast

Sorry, folks. For this week's podcast, I tried to get a substitute for Jordan (who's just finishing up his project), but a) Taylor stopped watching in protest, and b) Pedro claimed he had frostbite. I reminded Pedro that this week NYC averaged 50 degrees, and his Birkies plus light socks would have kept him nice and warm. Then Pedro starting mumbling something about putting together a Janis Joplin decoupage for the Burning Man Festival, and I just gave up because the word "decoupage" has not been covered in the Reader's Digest Large Print Edition yet and I didn't have a sassy answer for him.

But here's the thing: on Thursday, March 19th, Jordan and I are taping our first Daytime Confidential interview! That'll be up sometime this week, I think, and you can find it on iTunes, or just head on over to the Daytime Confidential website.

Speaking of Daytime Confidential, our friend AMC Superposter is now writing and posting AMC spoilers for their website. Of course, the PVP remains spoiler-free, but for y'all who miss them, Superposter will fill in the blanks for you. Go to http://daytimeconfidential.com/2009/03/all-my-children-spoilers-0 for the latest AMC news.

Finally, I'M SICK OF PRATT! (Sorry. I yelled again.) Does he really expect us to believe that Krysal would go along with this Lil' A custody bullcrap? How the eff can Bobbie Eakes act this shit? And doesn't Vincent Irizarry want to throw up every time he reads what David has to do and say? (And did David actually threaten to KILL A-Mam-da? What the????)

Doesn't Pratt know we've seen crap this a THOUSAND times before (and done much better, I might add). It's just too depressing. Please cheer me up folks, here.

(And keep sending your questions to us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com. We love them!)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Jive Talkin'

  • Adam and J.R. continue to call A-Mam-da 4- and 5-letter words.
  • Jerkson jerks his way through his speech for his dead daughter, Greenlee.
  • Aidumb mumbles sweet nothings to his spicy new lady friend, InsAnnie.
  • Once again, Zach grumbles his way through the Pine Valley Police Station.
  • Ryan continues to grit his teeth (and nothing much continues to come out of his mouth).
We're still a little down in the dumps here at the Pine Valley Podcast. Are we being too hard on our little show? You can be honest - we can take it. Let 'er rip, here. (And send your questions to us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com. You keep sendin' 'em, we'll keep answerin' 'em!)

3/06/09 Podcast

Sunday, March 01, 2009

You Call These Cliffhangers??

  • Adam knows Kendall's secret - oh!
  • Krystal tells David she wants to marry him - my goodness!
  • J.R. sees A-Mam-da embrace Jake - crazy!
  • Ryan "cries" over Greenlee - amazing!

Oh listeners.... How quickly things change! From a fairly decent week of daytime drama last week, we get little better than a diaper commercial this week. (Scratch that - I love that Huggie's Pull-Ups commercial!) I'd be depresssed if I wasn't so pissed about it. What do you think? Tell us, here. (And send your questions to us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com. We love 'em!)

2/27/09 Podcast

Monday, February 23, 2009

A Ray of Hope

  • Reese and Boobianca break up! (World's shortest marriage, anyone?)
  • Greenlee is dead (we think)!
  • Dr. Shericlair almost dies!
  • Kendall tells it like it is!
  • Ry-ass grits his teeth!
  • Aidumb mumbles!

People! All My Children was good last week! And contrary to what I' m starting to read on our supa-blog, I enjoyed the Oscars, too -- especially the beautiful Melissa Leo and Amanda Seyfried, two very talented AMC alumnae. Let's dish, here. (And keep those questions coming by emailing us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com.)

2/20/09 Podcast

Monday, February 16, 2009

Just You and I?

  • Bianca and Reese state their vows before the world. (Too bad Reese broke hers before the wedding.)
  • Kendall rips that a-hole Zach a new one, and for the first time in months, I'm cheering at the TV screen instead of throwing chancletas at it.
  • Poor Greenlee might be dead.
  • Rebecca is dead - finally!
  • Krystal and David? I just really don't care.
Your ass-toot questions and commentary made my weeks off from all of you bearable! Thanks for sticking with us, and keep the questions coming at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com. (And feel free, as always, to leave your ass-toot observations on our rockin' blog here.)

2/13/09 Podcast

Monday, February 02, 2009

A Whole New World

  • Kendall wakes up -- to a whole new Pine Valley!
  • Reese gives her (bitchy) mom what-for -- and Jordan doesn't like it one bit!
  • Erica throws a wedding shower, La Kane style.
  • AMamDa contemplates the complexities of Roe vs. Wade.
  • Krystal and David screw all over David's white couch after Tad throws that heifer out of his house.
More questions, more questions! Anything to get us through this rut that Jordan and I are feeling, courtesy of the latest developments at All My Children. E-mail them to us at pvp@pinevalleypodcast.com, and of course, leave your ass-toot observations here.

1/30/09 Podcast

Monday, January 26, 2009

We All Make Our Beds and We Have To Lie in 'Em

  • Kendall gets her damn heart, Josh Madden be damned.
  • Erica "mourns" Josh by "weeping inconsolably."
  • A"mam"da is preggers, and a "Baby-Daddy" mystery ensues. (And those mammaries will only get bigger as the pregnancy progresses. Yowza!)
  • Something happens to InsAnnie where she "holds" Aidan's hand through a vent and Dr. Sinclair yells at her or something.

We're back to the AMC blues, baby. We're frustrated and not-so-hopeful. What will happen to our beloved AMC? To us? Cheer us up, darlings, here.

1/23/09 Podcast

Monday, January 19, 2009

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

  • Josh Madden goes down, along with All My Children's ratings.
  • In a shocking turn of events, Frankie figures out that Randi was a hooker!
  • Reese and Boobianca patch things up with an air-kiss.
  • Krystal goes cuckoo for Tic-Tacs on the stand!
We had so much fun answering your questions this week! Feel free to keep them coming, and share anything else that's on those beautiful minds of yours, here.

1/16/09 Podcast

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Think I Lust You

  • That milk-'ho Krystal sleeps with David, and gets busted for it. (Hallelujah!)
  • Amanda sleeps with J.R., and it this case, I'm glad we don't see it.
  • Greenlee and Ryan slurp their way through the week, and it ain't pleasant.
  • And a special mention to Opal, who gives the Performance of the Week as the Mother Lion protecting her cub, Tad.
We're so happy to be back this week, people! We thought it'd be fun to get as interactive as our not-so-technologically advanced equipment will allow. If y'all happen to have any questions for us, we'd be happy to answer (we think). If not, feel free to go on and post, well, anything else your little heart desires! Either way, do your thing as only you all do, here.

1/09/09 Podcast

Monday, January 05, 2009

Happy New Year!

Yowza, people! Almost 300 posts in the last two weeks!

Since I think we're running out of space on this blog entry, let's just make another entry, shall we? Your ass-toot comments blow us away, and we don't want to miss a-one.

Jordan and I will be back with a podcast up next Monday with oh-so-much to say about the holiday festivities (All My Children and otherwise). Thank you, thank you, thank you for supporting our little podcast this past year, and for all of the love and insight and friendship you have shared on this blog. We don't know what we would have done without you.

Enough sappiness! Krystal Carey -- grieving, confused mother, or lying cheating whoo-ah who doesn't deserve the crud on Tad's shoes? Discuss, here.