I don't know if "They Shoot Horses", but I hope "They Hire A New Head Writer"

I never saw “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”, but after watching "All My Children" last week I’m going to assume that movie really sucked.

Not being familiar with the film, I did some research. From what I can tell, it is a thoroughly depressing drama about the marathon dance craze of the Great Depression. Apparently, married couples and unacquainted social dancers alike would arduously swing and sway for hundreds of continuous hours for a cash reward. In “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”, the marathon dance acts as a central metaphor for the "dance" of life, and through the motions exists an everlasting berating, conspiracy, and competitive animosity. Only Pratthole would find inspiration in this flick.

If Pratt got anything right, it was the “thoroughly depressing” part, as last week’s episodes were the worst I’ve seen in the decades I’ve watched the show. In my version of hell this dance-a-thon would be playing on Hell-TV 24/7. Conceptually, it was a doomed from the start. In lieu of the “cash reward” common in the Depression era dance marathons, AMC offered a fake charity for real starving Africans. Couldn’t it at least have benefitted a fake charity with some tie to the show like the Miranda Center? Fake charity for real starving people just seems wrong.

Secondly, whatever happens at Fusion/ConFusion usually sucks, so cramming the entire cast into the place is like begging viewers to change the channel. I realize Pratt was trying to accommodate a budget issue, but nothing good ever happens at Fusion/ConFusion and he should know that by now. This is the point in the blog where I would normally make a joke about the legions of characters who have been assaulted at ConFusion or how odd everyone looks with the ConFusion lights shining up their nostrils, but seriously the most ridiculous, ludicrous things happen in this set so again, using this set as the focus of the story set it up for certain failure. Why not have some moving memorial to the town’s history and rise from the destruction of the tornado? It would have been a chance to utilize all the vets we love and may not see much of anymore. Instead we had Adam, Jessie and half the male population of Pine Valley acting their scenes in the women’s restroom at ConFusion. The WOMEN'S restroom! Ridiculous!

Third, I guess Pratt thinks “the dance of life” and “everlasting berating, conspiracy, and competitive animosity” means women duking it out in the crapper. If there was ever a sign of how low this show has sunk under Pratt’s pen, it was the moment the show’s beloved heroine Erica Kane, at 62, apparently stuffed Annie’s head in a toilet. We didn’t actually see Erica cleaning the bowl with Annie’s bangs, but it was pretty clear what happened. I’m assuming Annie doesn’t have a glandular problem we don’t know about that causes profuse sweating from the head. For one thing, Annie could beat Erica up with her lips so Erica throwing Annie around was absurd. For another, after the initial dunking, Annie continued dancing! Did it dawn on her or anyone else that she may have had urine or a piece of shit in her hair? I tell you why Adam passed out. Annie smelled like shit! I’m surprised Annie didn’t die from E-Coli!!!

Fourth, the dancing. Even the black people on this show dance like old white people. This was more Dork Dance-Off than Dancing With the Stars. In fact, there was only one star in attendance, namely Erica. Adam Chandler was more Steve Wozniak than Hélio Castroneves. And I’m assuming the rest of the world isn’t in the midst of a Petey craze, so I don’t think they could have raised $5 on local access let alone whatever they pretended to raise on national TV. I guess we should be grateful we didn’t have to watch Tad try to dance to “My Humps”. And what happened to all those pole dancing skills we saw a few years ago?

As for everything else, it was just varying degrees of shiteous. Erica and Krystal are new BFFs? Never. David, Jake and Amanda continue to make no sense. Whatever snap Jake and Amanda had is evaporating faster than the toilet water on Annie’s forehead. Adam gets light headed and sees a vision of Stuart and then decides to take a break? I would have exited stage left when my date came back from the bathroom with dingleberries in her hair! Madison walks in circles hurling insults at the nearest Hubbard and never once gets the back of Mother Hubbard's hand. Zach and Liza make out on TV and piss off how ever many few Zendall fans still exist out there. JR and Marissa dry hump on the roof but nobody at this huge fake charity event notices. Prisoner-in-hiding Kendall somehow slips past all the media unnoticed, sneaks into ConFusion, and nobody notices.

And as if things weren’t bad enough, Aidan returns.

But to show us that things can always be worse, McKenzie Phillips took over the airwaves with the bile inducing details of her incestuous affair with her father. I was able to keep it down during AMC, but this was too much. I threw up a little in my mouth. Between AMC and McKenzie, the whole week seemed less “Feed the World” and more “World Vomit Week” .

So now we hear that Aidan Turner is out. Rumors are flying that Beth Ehlers is leaving and Beth Ann Bonner is coming, but does any of it really matter as long as Pratthole is still head writer? There was absolutely nothing wrong with Beth Ehlers. She saw the writing on the wall and made a move from GL to AMC and AMC totally failed her. I don't begrudge her a thing. Her storyline sounded great but the execution was heinous. Remember Brot sneaking around the hospital with Colby, er Turdby? She never had a chance. She spoke out in frustration and she got shit-canned for it. Her failure is Pratt's failure and a missed opporturnity. RPG got a legacy character with tons of history. She got an ill defined, poorly imagined character Pratt special. Beth Ann Bonner, you are forewarned.

Thank goodness for the new TV season and all the stuff we can talk about that doesn't involve anyone McKenzie Phillips has had sex with or Chuck Pratt’s writing skills. We may call it the PVP, but it’s so much more. And with all of your astoot commentary, you give AMC and TPTB a chance to see that we care about and support well written, quality programming. So whether it’s OLTL or something else putting a smile on your face this season, all you have to do is let your fingers do the talking, right here.

Only Love Can Save the World

... and only love can save our show.

(Sigh.)

Don't see that happening. Clearly Frons, Pratthole, Craputhers and the rest of the dipshits over at All My Children aren't sharing the love we fans have for their product, or the genre, for that matter. What I can't understand is, why the hell would you work in daytime television unless you loved it? There ain't much money in daytime, and not much respect, either. So you do it (like Carlivati and Wheeler and Valentini) for the love of it. For the love of families, and their stories, to see and experience with them the ups and downs of their lives, the highs and lows. For the comfort in knowing that we are all alike, that we share the same joys and sorrows, and that we all dream of love, comfort, happiness, and maybe a pretty dress once in a while.

People, we did a podcast. Not much to cover on AMC. It's just not fun anymore to comment on because it's just too pathetic. If you wanna hear us dish about the show, save yourself the time. If you wanna hear us dish about everything but AMC, then this podcast is for you!

As for what Jordan and I want? Well, we want to hear you dish, so do your thing folks, here.

(Oh - and do us all a favor: if you haven't already, sign the "Fire Chuck Pratt" petition, here. Thanks, BronxGal, for your valiant efforts!)

9/18/09 Podcast

Where the Hell Do I Start?

First of all, folks, no new podcast this week. We're so sorry - Jordan and I couldn't work out our schedules. We do have so much to talk about and hope to be back next week.

Between feeding my babies, putting them down for (attempted) naps, and playing with them, I have no time for the hot mess that is All My Children. I watch with one eye on Carlos' high-definition television, whilst I read e-mails, clip the twins' nails, cruise websites for cheap Pampers, and read DaytimeConfidential.com. Anything to spare me the full impact of the mess that was once my beloved. (There. I've said it. I feel better admitting it.)

That being said, I am almost up to Friday's eppy. What I enjoyed: Erica's "impromptu" speech on New Beginnings (complete with a finely edited slideshow of her Africa trip), Jake & Mandy's "wedding" (very sweet), and InsAnnie and Scott (hot, hot, hot!). Angie and Jesse are no longer our Angie and Jesse, and I really wish Denise Vasi would go back to modeling for Avon.

INSIDER ALERT: Our sources confirmed that Thorsten Kaye will not be making the trip to La La Land (our delightful friend Nelson Branco of TV Guide Canada first reported the rumblings), and they also confirmed that the primary motive for the move was to be able to "legally" break contracts with the higher-paid actors. Studio, schmudio - Frons is tired of paying Lucci, Williams, Morgan and Knight, and if they decline, he saves. So I've changed my mind - I say, "California, Here They Come!" Foil those effer's plans!

Other stuff much more worthy of our time (and yours)? I'm mixed on Glee, people!! Still adoring Mad Men, digging L.A. Ink fa' real, and even getting into Flip This House. I'm over Hoarders but still loving Intervention, Project Runway is hot, but Models of the Runway leaves me cold, and I ain't missing an eppy of Oprah! The Black Eyed Peas ruled last week.

Oh yeah -there's always our wacky Serena Williams and our kuh-RAY-zee Kanye! Not a good weekend for our African American brothers and sisters.

Finally - and most importantly - is our blog brother (and one of the first PVP fans), Norn (AKA n69). He's been sick for weeks, and just got out of the hospital. A mystery illness, and one that may come back. Let's send him a loving shout-out for a speedy recovery and wishes that he stays healthy! (Oh yeah, and check out his amazing art, too!

So much to discuss! Hope you'll join us for it all!

And the award goes to…The CW?

I’ve been replaying the Daytime Emmys in my head and reading some of the recaps and reviews. It was fun watching Sunday night and blogging and twittering as the winners were announced one after the other. We may have differing opinions regarding how entertaining the telecast was, but at least there was a telecast. It wasn’t on NBC, CBS, ABC or PBS-the networks who garnered the nominations. It wasn’t even on SoapNet, the network that’s supposed to be about soap operas. No, the network we have to thank for giving us the opportunity to watch is the CW, a network that didn’t have any nominations and doesn’t even have a daytime lineup. Thanks to CW, soap enthusiasts like us get a chance to debate who looked best and who needs to trash their stylists, who won and who was robbed, and whether the telecast was a classy fete’ or a hot mess. It wasn’t the flashiest, grandest celebration, but it was better than nothing.

Now the ratings have been tabulated and it should surprise nobody they were down 50% from last year’s telecast on ABC. Already pundits and doomsayers have labeled the ratings decline as another sign of a dying genre. I haven’t seen any mention of the fact that the telecast wasn’t publicized well or that it was on a network that garners a much smaller average audience anyway or that it aired on one of the historically lowest rated nights of the year. Reports are that CW is even abandoning Sunday night altogether and giving the airtime back to its affiliates because it has performs so poorly on Sundays. All awards shows have been declining in ratings for years-Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Globes are all down.

I’m not out of touch with reality. I get that daytime network TV is in turmoil, but as is typical of the media and pop culture these days, the hype of daytime’s demise is reaching fever pitch and I don’t think it’s fair to take this one event as anything more than what it was for CW—time filler until they date they turn the night back to the affiliates, a way to promote the upcoming season of Melrose Place to a targeted audience of 2.5 million potential viewers who may have some interest in the resurrected soap. I’ve watched AMC and OLTL since the 1970s and I was an avid Melrose fan right up until the time Jamie Luner joined the cast which for me was the exact time it started to suck. I’m sure it was just a coincidence. Who knows exactly why CW chose to air the Daytime Emmys, but I’m glad they did. As a soap fan, maybe I’ll return the favor and check out the new Melrose Place this fall.

Maybe next year the Emmys will merge and air the best of daytime and primetime together. I doubt it. In fact, I'm not sure I’ll ever get to see the live telecast again after this year, so thanks CW for giving this regular guy at least one more time to share the Emmy evening live.

As for “All My Children”, it received 5 Daytime Emmy Awards. Vincent Irizarry took home the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. AMC also won Outstanding Achievement in Art Direction/Set Decoration/Scenic Design for a Drama Series; Outstanding Achievement in Lighting Direction for a Drama Series; Outstanding Achievement in Live and Direct to Tape Sound Mixing for a Drama Series, and Outstanding Achievement in Technical Direction/Electronic Camera/Video Control for a Drama Series. I guess all the technical awards means that they liked the Tornado, the helicopter scene, the flushing sounds between scenes, the shaky camera outside at the Yacht Club, and the soft focus on the old people.

As for the actual AMC episodes last week, I have just a few observations. Even though I want to be positive for the genre and not make mountains out of mole hills, AMC itself bored me to tears last week. The chief problem for me continues to be in the writing.

Suck on this Pratt:

People kicking in Zach’s door is becoming as cliché’ as people breaking into the Chandler Mansion through the tunnels.

The whole Hubbard clan has been shamefully turned into a lying, stealing, kidnapping bunch of dipshits, and it is egregious what Pratt has done to Jesse and Angie. With an adept, talented writer, the focus of the show could make Jesse and Angie the new moral center of the show like the Martins were once. Bianca could be the new Kane matriarch—a power lesbian with Mama Kane’s drive. Now I am dreaming.

I am tired of “Todos Los Ninos” and Pratt poking fun at AMC and the genre in his wink wink nod to the imaginary telenova. Pratt should take his responsibility for AMC more seriously.

At first, I thought maybe it was just all the blood rushing to JR’s moobs that made him lightheaded. Now we know he has a rare form of lymphoma. How original. As much as they have emasculated JR over the years, I’m surprised they didn’t give him testicular cancer and make him a uniball. He’s already a raging alcoholic. Last year he had hepatitis. What other bullshit disease can Pratt heap upon JR? Restless Leg Syndrome?

Zach is a patronizing pig, but JaLu thinks he has sexy eyes. Pratt went to the well again and had Kendall inflict a head injury on JaLu. Kendall’s swipe wouldn’t have been so bad, but the punch knocked JaLu’s panties off again and she tripped and hit her head.

I like it when Madison refers to Randi as Frankie’s “hooker wife”.

Somehow David figured out the whole baby thing, kidnapped Liza and held her at gunpoint. When Pratt runs out of ideas, somebody pulls a gun or suffers a head injury.

I just can’t quit this show, but I want it to get fun again. It's boring, poorly written, completely unrealistic and has abandoned the founding premises that made it a joy to watch. After so many years of wonderful entertainment, I feel obligated to the cast and crew to watch. Aside from the obvious answer of FIRING CHUCK PRATT, what else can we suggest to turn this boat around? Let your thoughts rip on AMC, the Emmys, Mad Men (love that show right now), Guiding Light (the end is near) or whatever pops into your astoot minds, right here.