Wednesday, November 17, 2010

All My Chidlrnwennnnn...Oops, I Think I Fell Asleep

Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! I started a new blog post a week or so ago, but life got in the way and I never finished it. It had all sorts of interesting commentary about the state of All My Children, what it means to me and how, in a nutshell, it had been boring me to death. I wasn't saying it was Pratt-awful, but I the fact that I was falling asleep while fast forwarding the episodes was telling. I was finding it all rather dull and uninspired. I was hoping Ashley and Jordan would post a new podcast and save me from admitting that I've become hopelessly behind, but it seems life got in their way too.


All My Children fell low on my priority list when Ryan & Greenlee started having cave sex or whatever they were doing in there. There are just so many things wrong with the idea of cave sex in these modern times. I had a string of one-liners in my incomplete post about the cave scenes. Apparently, the cave was located in "the islands" probably off the Pennsylvania coast somewhere. I don't know for sure because, as I said, I haven't watched it, but if it's cozy enough for sex then I would imagine every deranged Center City criminal is hiding out in there. Maybe that's where Bobby Martin and other characters who disappear from Pine Valley go to hide out. Like the island on Lost maybe The Pine Valley Caves are a purgatory type place where you must wait until Father Clarence allows you to rejoin your loved ones for a holiday episode, short story arc, or until Ryan gets his memory back. Whatever the case may be, caves are usually covered in bat shit and that's gross. In fact, I find the thought of sand in my junk and on her junk and bat shit on our junk and Center City hobos and long forgotten characters lurking around inside the cave whilst I make covet my true love kind of revolting. It certainly doesn't seem romantic. I've never seen a Harlequin at SuperTarget with a picture of hot people going at it on a sandy cave floor. I have never known a woman who looked at me and said, "Shadow, more than anything, I want you to make sweet relations with me in a cave full of batshit and Bobby Martin." Whoever at ABC has the cave, well, and sewer drainage fetish needs to let it go already.


Anyway, this past week was all about Zach and David Hayward. Neither are my personal favorites so I haven't tried too hard to tune in and see Zach bite it and David yell 'Gotcha!' or whatever at the trial. (Did I disclose that I haven't actually watched it?) They've both been turned into such stooges over the years, and soap trials just don't cut it anymore. Primetime procedural drama has raised the bar too high for the sort of half-assed legal maneuverings of Jack and Liza. Liza was actually going to be her own witness at one point! Everybody in the courtroom has had sex with everybody else in the courtroom. Jack was defending his daughter, examining his wife...so stupid. Nothing remotely suspensful or realistic and they wasted a decent actress in the role of the judge.


I thought the whole Hayward storyline sucked from start to finish, although I'm pleased it's given all the actors some nice performance moments. Still, faking death may be Hayward's most egregious offense yet. Considering the misery he cost so many and the vast expense of the city in prosecuting Greenlee, it bothers me that yet again he'll probably face no consequences. (However, if he can give Angie her sight back, I'll get over it.) As for Zach, I can't believe he fell victim to a Rylee plot. He was allegedly a bad-ass from a tough, mobb-ish family and he had to die this way? I'm sure it seemed heroic to Frons, but Zach's death is really just another thing for current fans to blame on Ryan and Greenlee. And what was with Liza being all sad about Zach's death? She screwed him one time on a craps table in a casino. I'm all for history, but not Pratt history. Please never remind me of anything Pratt. In fact, AMC should just send Gabrielle to fetch a coat in the Martin attic or for a day of fun in the Pine Valley Caves.


If you ask me, killing Zach under these conditions was a stupid move and the whole thing with Hayward, Ryan and Zach was absurdly implausible. I don't mind stretching my imagination, but none of this made a lick of sense. It was all so plot driven, much like the Rylee romance has always been and continues to be. The fact that there is nothing organic or graceful about Rylee is the reason the audience rejects them as a couple. No matter how much we may try, we simply can't suspend our disbelief enough for cave sex or craps sex or all the events that have to line up to fake your death and then reveal yourself exactly at the moment the verdict is reached. And at the end of it all, Greenlee and Ryan still could have more chemistry with farm animals.


Therein lies the problem with the show. There's nothing much natural or relatable about anything that happens these days. Angie shouldn't be blind. Zach shouldn't have died trying to help Rylee on some BS island sex den. Dastardly Hayward could never have worked out his whole digitalis plan. The love story of Greenlee and Ryan didn't grow out of any emotion remotely accessible to the viewers, but rather a series of contrived plot points that have resulted in the termination of several head writers.


There are some good things. The characters sound more like themselves than they used to under Pratt. The occasional nod to history is appreciated. JR and Annie are smoking hot. I appreciate the writers letting them slow burn. Marissa has stepped it up. Erica and Jack are back. I love them and love the material they are giving Jack. (Caleb, not so much. He may not be as big and fat, but he's still boring and makes a Boo Boo Kitty lip when he's sad.) I like the way Madison called Ryan out for being the rescuer type. Hopefully, she isn't pregnant with his demon kid. Asher? Idiot. Can't act. Damon? Why is he a supporting player now? At least he's great when he's on with Liza who, by the way, needs to give up her legal career and go back to TV or media. The courtroom is boring and trite. Liza needs to go digital. Colby? She's coming along nicely as the Chandler with a conscience albeit a tad dimwitted. Tad? Golden. Opal? The only one who is never, ever boring. Krystal? Still not Brooke.


So there you have it. That's where I'm at with our show. I want to get excited, but I can't get pumped up about Griffin. Cara sort of sounds interesting, especially if she ends up with Bianca, but I'm not holding my breath. Tell me what I'm missing or why you totally get where I'm coming from, right here.

17 comments:

Amphitrion said...

I'll post something longer after I stop laughing....probably late next week! Thanks for the brilliant and hysterical commentary Shadow!

discodan said...

Hey, I actually watched this week and boy oh boy did I waste 5 hours out of my break... At least David's alive and Zach (THAT MONSTER THAT MURDERED MY JOSH) is FINALLY DEAD!!!!

PS Rylee still sucks and I miss my PVP

Norn Cutson said...

crackin' me up as always, Shadow!!!

DancingElf88 said...

Love you Shadow and I totally agree with you. I watched maybe ten minutes of Wednesday's episode before I realized that Annie wasn't on and I turned the channel. Don't care that Zach is dead...don't care that David is back. You know what they should do? Have all of PV hate Ryan and Greenlee for their shenanigans and have those two mofos high-tail it out of town and have David go to jail...after he gives Angie her sight back. This show needs something to make it exciting again. Right now....I am so UTTERLY BORED.

Natasha said...

well you missed some good acting by Alicia. Also if you look around the canvass you will see that Thorsten (Zach)brought something AMC that it is missing. JR is okay but when I look at him I see a little boy playing dress up. Not really into Jannie because I don't like Annie and never really feel sorry when bad things happen to her.

AMC is lacking couples and love them or hate them Zendall was a supercouple. Now we are stuck with Rylee. Also Zach isn't dead because they didn't find a body and I believe when Alicia wants to leave he will turn up and take her off

Shadow said...

Thank you all for the nice comments. I do want to see Alicia's scenes. The actors are all mostly fine. It's the material that's an issue. Very inconsistent. Nothing really accessible. No balance.

Stacy said...

Thank you Shadow! I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Greenlee continues to lack complete emotion about a devastating situation. Okay...I am a few days behind, but is Ryan gonna get off Scott-free for aiding and abetting Greenlee? As for RYLEE, I am hoping that Kendall turns on them with a vengeance and gets back to her old self.

But mostly dear Shadow, I agree with you...plot, plot, plot....we want character driven drama!!!

Jordan Hudson 2.0 said...

New Podcast is on the way

jason said...

Shadow u r great! Alicia is htting her scenes out of the park. Hope she gets emmy love!

spatial snowflake said...

Wait, what? Cara--Jake's former wife--ending up with Bianca? Where did that come from? Does Jake know his ex is gay (or at least bi) in addition to being Griffin's sister (and therefore not his lover)?

Did Jake know that chick at all before he married her? And does this mean he'll eventually be throwing punches at Bianca too? I'd love to see a big ol' Kane vs. Martin throwdown. We know the Kane women carry guns and knives so those Martins had better watch it.

Stacy said...

Oh wow...just watched last weeks shows and Alicia...your EMMY is calling. She was BRILLIANT!!! I know I have said this before, but watching these scenes, especially the ones with Alicia and Rebecca, it has become PAINFULLY clear that Rebecca is phoning it in. I'd even take the actress who plays Marissa over her...at least I bought her anger!

Shadow said...

I think Rebecca Budig likes the people at AMC, likes her character, but instantly tires of the S-O-S. Who knows what promises they make to get her back. Her returns start off all fun and bitchy, but we blink and she's back to playing damsel-in-distress or pining away for drips Aiden and Ryan. It always has to do with an overcooked, underwritten plot that offers no real opportunity for emotional connection between two otherwise regular people. Even though the situations may be outlandish on a soap, the emotional context should be just as real as it would be for anybody falling in love under any circumstances. It has to have a flow and the writers force it on us without allowing for it to develop. I think Rebecca knows the stuff they give doesn't deliver what was promised. Looking back, Pratt royally screwed her and Eden over. I do wish Rebecca could step it up a notch, but it has to be tough.

Think about this: Alicia gets to scream and cry and blow snot rockets over Zach. Angle gets to clutch her pearls and scream at Jesus for her blindness. Those are big problems. You know Rebecca reads scripts involving cave sex and can barely muster a "Seriously, are you punking me?". She knows Alicia and Debbi going to get Emmy noms while she faces 12 more months of insipid Rylee banter and a broken ankle from Skating With The Stars. Although I agree she isn't giving it her all, I feel for the girl this go-around. Even she and Cameron seem to think it's time to put Rylee to rest.

Mel Got Served said...

Great post as usual, Shadow. I haven't watched in about 4 weeks and I really don't know if I have an interest to go back. I LOVE the podcast but god, last time I checked in it was soooo boring.

Stacy said...

Well stated Shadow...I will tone back on my frustration with Budig. Didn't know she had really broken her ankle either. Thanks for your ASS-TOOT opinions...they are always welcome!!!

Shadow said...

No no! Don't tone back! ITA, I just feel a little more sympathetic for her this time around. Keep it coming though. I feel for her, but if we cut them too much slack Frons will take it as a positive sign and keep Rylee alive longer. Budig hasn't broken anything skating--yet. I'm just saying, Alicia and Debbi have something to work with that they may be able to spin into an Emmy nod (even though the material itself isn't so great) while Bufig only has scripts full of Ryan and has to do overtime with a pair of ice skates. I don't foresee an Emmy in her future as much as I do a cast on her foot. I wish AMC would do right and write a fun story for her where she isn't a victim, a pawn or throwing chairs at old ladies.

Arizonagal said...

Shadow, a cave has never sounded less appealing... ick. And what's that fishy smell? Is it Rylee sex? Wonder why the cave doesn't suffer from high tide problems in that there Pennsylvania ocean.

I tend to agree with you Shadow, except that I am still excited about Doc Castillo. I have so far ff'd thru most of last week. All that Rylee crap is just torture. Anytime I gotta watch Ryan get all puffed up about something I get a burning pain in my gut.

Arizonagal said...

Maybe we're giving Rebecca Budig too much credit. Saying she's phoning it in implies she has talent but chooses not to use it. How is it that she has been consistently phoning it in for the last few years? Ever since she returned and was paired with Aiden there has been no spark. I'm starting to think she's just a sucky actress. Regardless, Greenlee is just plain dreary.