All My Chidlrnwennnnn...Oops, I Think I Fell Asleep

Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! I started a new blog post a week or so ago, but life got in the way and I never finished it. It had all sorts of interesting commentary about the state of All My Children, what it means to me and how, in a nutshell, it had been boring me to death. I wasn't saying it was Pratt-awful, but I the fact that I was falling asleep while fast forwarding the episodes was telling. I was finding it all rather dull and uninspired. I was hoping Ashley and Jordan would post a new podcast and save me from admitting that I've become hopelessly behind, but it seems life got in their way too.

All My Children fell low on my priority list when Ryan & Greenlee started having cave sex or whatever they were doing in there. There are just so many things wrong with the idea of cave sex in these modern times. I had a string of one-liners in my incomplete post about the cave scenes. Apparently, the cave was located in "the islands" probably off the Pennsylvania coast somewhere. I don't know for sure because, as I said, I haven't watched it, but if it's cozy enough for sex then I would imagine every deranged Center City criminal is hiding out in there. Maybe that's where Bobby Martin and other characters who disappear from Pine Valley go to hide out. Like the island on Lost maybe The Pine Valley Caves are a purgatory type place where you must wait until Father Clarence allows you to rejoin your loved ones for a holiday episode, short story arc, or until Ryan gets his memory back. Whatever the case may be, caves are usually covered in bat shit and that's gross. In fact, I find the thought of sand in my junk and on her junk and bat shit on our junk and Center City hobos and long forgotten characters lurking around inside the cave whilst I make covet my true love kind of revolting. It certainly doesn't seem romantic. I've never seen a Harlequin at SuperTarget with a picture of hot people going at it on a sandy cave floor. I have never known a woman who looked at me and said, "Shadow, more than anything, I want you to make sweet relations with me in a cave full of batshit and Bobby Martin." Whoever at ABC has the cave, well, and sewer drainage fetish needs to let it go already.

Anyway, this past week was all about Zach and David Hayward. Neither are my personal favorites so I haven't tried too hard to tune in and see Zach bite it and David yell 'Gotcha!' or whatever at the trial. (Did I disclose that I haven't actually watched it?) They've both been turned into such stooges over the years, and soap trials just don't cut it anymore. Primetime procedural drama has raised the bar too high for the sort of half-assed legal maneuverings of Jack and Liza. Liza was actually going to be her own witness at one point! Everybody in the courtroom has had sex with everybody else in the courtroom. Jack was defending his daughter, examining his wife...so stupid. Nothing remotely suspensful or realistic and they wasted a decent actress in the role of the judge.

I thought the whole Hayward storyline sucked from start to finish, although I'm pleased it's given all the actors some nice performance moments. Still, faking death may be Hayward's most egregious offense yet. Considering the misery he cost so many and the vast expense of the city in prosecuting Greenlee, it bothers me that yet again he'll probably face no consequences. (However, if he can give Angie her sight back, I'll get over it.) As for Zach, I can't believe he fell victim to a Rylee plot. He was allegedly a bad-ass from a tough, mobb-ish family and he had to die this way? I'm sure it seemed heroic to Frons, but Zach's death is really just another thing for current fans to blame on Ryan and Greenlee. And what was with Liza being all sad about Zach's death? She screwed him one time on a craps table in a casino. I'm all for history, but not Pratt history. Please never remind me of anything Pratt. In fact, AMC should just send Gabrielle to fetch a coat in the Martin attic or for a day of fun in the Pine Valley Caves.

If you ask me, killing Zach under these conditions was a stupid move and the whole thing with Hayward, Ryan and Zach was absurdly implausible. I don't mind stretching my imagination, but none of this made a lick of sense. It was all so plot driven, much like the Rylee romance has always been and continues to be. The fact that there is nothing organic or graceful about Rylee is the reason the audience rejects them as a couple. No matter how much we may try, we simply can't suspend our disbelief enough for cave sex or craps sex or all the events that have to line up to fake your death and then reveal yourself exactly at the moment the verdict is reached. And at the end of it all, Greenlee and Ryan still could have more chemistry with farm animals.

Therein lies the problem with the show. There's nothing much natural or relatable about anything that happens these days. Angie shouldn't be blind. Zach shouldn't have died trying to help Rylee on some BS island sex den. Dastardly Hayward could never have worked out his whole digitalis plan. The love story of Greenlee and Ryan didn't grow out of any emotion remotely accessible to the viewers, but rather a series of contrived plot points that have resulted in the termination of several head writers.

There are some good things. The characters sound more like themselves than they used to under Pratt. The occasional nod to history is appreciated. JR and Annie are smoking hot. I appreciate the writers letting them slow burn. Marissa has stepped it up. Erica and Jack are back. I love them and love the material they are giving Jack. (Caleb, not so much. He may not be as big and fat, but he's still boring and makes a Boo Boo Kitty lip when he's sad.) I like the way Madison called Ryan out for being the rescuer type. Hopefully, she isn't pregnant with his demon kid. Asher? Idiot. Can't act. Damon? Why is he a supporting player now? At least he's great when he's on with Liza who, by the way, needs to give up her legal career and go back to TV or media. The courtroom is boring and trite. Liza needs to go digital. Colby? She's coming along nicely as the Chandler with a conscience albeit a tad dimwitted. Tad? Golden. Opal? The only one who is never, ever boring. Krystal? Still not Brooke.

So there you have it. That's where I'm at with our show. I want to get excited, but I can't get pumped up about Griffin. Cara sort of sounds interesting, especially if she ends up with Bianca, but I'm not holding my breath. Tell me what I'm missing or why you totally get where I'm coming from, right here.