They Give Emmys for This, Really?

Hey, I’m a friendly guy. In fact, I’d call myself a people person. I like all kinds of people. OK, people who act illogically bother me a little, and yes I’m quick to lose patience with people who don’t have any sense of personal boundaries. I guess that explains why I was a little concerned about our AMC friends this past week.

For example, what is with the open windows and doors in Pine Valley? And why is everyone always lurking around outside their friends and neighbors homes? Logical people don’t do that, especially when the town is in the midst of a crime spree— stabbings, shootings, break-ins. Not to mention epidemic head trauma and memory loss. Crazy people walking around killing and shooting at people and immediately repressing the memory or remembering repressed memories that totally never happened anyway! People in this town are batshit crazy!! Even if I lived in English Manor, I would have bars on the windows and booby trap all the doorways.

And when I go to a friend’s house, I usually call ahead and enter politely through the front door--especially if my friend is a single woman living alone with a baby in the house or if my friend is a wealthy old goat living on an estate allegedly crawling with security and which is the subject of a sensational murder investigation. I don’t think I’d be sneaking up on or surprising anyone. What if the open window or unlocked door is booby trapped? What if I were to startle the person and they picked up the gun laying near them on the floor, or under the bed, or in the flower pot or taped on the inside of the toilet lid and took a shot at me? You know they are at least going to hit you in the head and give you a nasty bruise. Who needs that? Pick up the phone and call first. Knock on the door and wait for it to be answered. Safety first people!

Anyway, here’s a rundown of last week’s shen-ANNIE-gans on AMC:

JESSIE is working too hard. He needs to cut NATALIA some slack and let her help. He can’t handle the PV crime spree alone.

Emotions are running high in the Hubbard clan. FRANKIE howled and flashed his big white wolf teeth over how shitty his luck has become. RANDI’s nostrils quivered after she lost the baby.

RYAN gritted and hissed and clenched his butt cheeks because he really didn’t want anybody to talk to EMMA. (I really wish somebody would pop RYAN’S thong when he goes on a rant.)

AMANDA is a beautiful idiot, and her plan is doomed before it gets underway. She is sneaking in Taylor’s window every 5 minutes, sleeping on the couch. I sort of understand where she’s coming from. There are at least 20 less people sleeping at TAYLOR’S house than the MARTIN house. But can't she just use the front door, knock before entering and call ahead?

TREVOR is already an addict—passed out on the couch with approximately 10 empty Enfamil bottles surrounding him.

KENDALL aka Alicia Minshew has a baby bulge. Manhands JALU just has a bulge.

KENDALL’s future is unclear after a repressed memory comes back to her and causes her to think she murdered the town’s beloved doofus.

ALERT: In case you missed it on SoapNet, the commercials for FlirtyGirlFit.com are sleazy and hot. Holy crap!

ERICA holds her own with everyone – DA "DUH" WILLIE, ADAM, LIZA, JACK, KENDALL, and proves why she’s the glue that binds the show together. But Granny don’t need to be bustin’ on RYAN’s nut no how.

INSANNIE rocks the jailhouse in her hot Pocahontas outfit. She may have worn it all week, but it was so much hotter than KENDALL’S tube top parade and JALU’s death wardrobe.

ZACH continued to not bathe and growl at everyone about KENDALL’S innocence while sporting that classic “buttcut” hairdo with a greasy part down the middle.

TAD and TAYLOR share some light, sweet, funny scenes that don’t involve sperm, head injuries, murder, guns, tunnels, or AIDUMB.

AIDUMB said some stuff I didn’t understand again. Something like: “Yaw wecum fo dah alibuy. Annie an aye aw fineeto.”

OPAL returned in a hilarious getup that looks expensive even though she’s allegedly destitute. She should have received a nice lump sum from her insurance company after the mansion burned. Can’t she buy her own condo and get a man?

ADAM made a rhyme: “Am I not clear? Get her out of here.” and followed quickly with something like “Erica Erica Erica Kane, Erica Kane”.

MARISSA confided to KWAK that she is dreaming of a threeway with JR and BEAKER.

THIS WEEK ON AMC:

It’s a very special week when STACEY LONDON and CLINTON KELLY show up from TLC’s What Not to Wear to makeover the entire town!! Watch them throw out KENDALL’S tube top collection while CARMINDY slathers her in Mederma scar fading cream. See JALU wince as they trash her collection of black dresses and undergarments for a colorful new wardrobe and underwear that doesn’t fall around her ankles! Marvel as they put TAD in the 360° mirror and show him how to accentuate the positives while slenderizing that buddha-belly. But the shit really hits the fan when ANGIE battles NICK’s efforts to tame the Weave and she takes offense to STACEY and CLINTON for trashing all the sweater vests she lovingly knit for JESSIE.

Let’s hear what you have to say about it all—right here.