Allow Me To Introduce Myself...

I have been bantering back and forth today on Twitter about the new General Hospital opening. Apparently, people are really happy with it. I'm a little more reserved about it, but most of you know I don't have a particular sentimental spot for GH. As I'm sure you all realize, I like the introduction to AMC better, but really that's irrelevant to my point.

Here's the deal. I want the entire ABC soap block to thrive so I'm thrilled to see ABC trying to win the easy points. That old GH opening was ridiculous. Although the new intro is certainly much nicer and much more contemporary, it's still a little derivative of the AMC intro, and I think that sells GH a little short. I feel the same way about the OLTL intro. Why does everything on ABC daytime have to look the same? That's not a rule in Primetime and, to be honest, I don't want to watch 3 hours of lookalike programming. I think each show should have its own identities beginning with their opening and closing sequences. ABC can brand the time period with the similar visual cues on the bumpers between the shows.

Back when ABC Daytime stamped AMC, GH and OLTL with similar opening looks, I'm sure it sounded like a good idea to some corporate marketing dingleberry, but as a fan I want creativity—something that hooks me when the show starts. I love that AMC theme song. When I hear that guitar strum I go all Dick Van Dyke jumping ottomans to get to the TV. I like how AMC kept the falling pictures motif, how the photos blast across the screen in synch with the music, and the vintage pictures of Pheobe. It gets me stirred up emotionally every single time. It's not as sentimental to me as the 1990 version where the lamp turns on and camera pans across senior cast members Phoebe, Langley, Brooke and Adam, but it's better than most of what's on TV day or night. Think about the pitiful one to five note chimes for Lost, Heroes or Desperate Housewives. The opening sequence and theme song has become a lost art.

The AMC theme song has layers. It starts with a catchy little strum, then a startling guitar strum grabs your attention and the song swells into a rich pallet of piano, winds and strings before gently fading away with a misty eyed Bianca blowing away in the wind and Erica taking her place back in the AMC family album. (So far, I don’t like anyone in the fly away other than Bianca. It definitely shouldn’t be a dude in the flyaway.) The original AMC opening and theme was quite appropriate in its day, but even at the age of 5 I remember thinking, "They really need to perk this up". The "white pearls" opening sucked if you ask me. Bringing back the falling pictures in the mid-90s was brilliance.

Oops, I've digressed. Yes, I'm biased. AMC is my sentimental fave on all counts, but I have a lot of heartfelt sentiment for OLTL too, especially the Cord, Tina, Max, Gabrielle years when I watched it without fail. When OLTL came out with that Peebo Bryson theme song for OLTL it was a BIG deal. Honestly, my favorite was the instrumental version with the pictures of the town and the collage of faces at the end. It told a story. It always made me feel like I'd left Pine Valley and taken a quick drive to a nice town not far away where Wanda Woleck sold pie and people traveled back in time and to underground cities. The main thing was that after an hour of AMC, the OLTL theme song perked me up and commanded that I pay attention for another 60 minutes of soap. The Peebo vocals were OK and are kitschy fun now, especially when Norn sings them, but a little over the top at the time. I'll never forget when they dropped that opening and went to the waving silk sheet with the Jugband opening. It was hideous. I quit watching. It was like an intro for a bad porno sponsored by Macy's home department or something.

But consistently I would flee the room when that old GH theme song que’d the ambulance pulling up to the hospital. It was an instant turn off for me. The retiring opening bugged me too. It was a testament to cheese with Tony Geary kicking over the chair in the end like he’s some sort of bad ass. Sure for die hard fans, I can see why that was maybe no big deal, but for passive viewers like me it elicited huge eyerolls.

I will say that when the corporate branding dweeb decided the three shows needed a unified look that the openings for GH and OLTL improved dramatically over their immediate predecessors. As much as I may not have cared for them they were way better than openings for Y&R and other soaps. GL was OK for a while. Another World had a decent opening when it used Crystal Gale's vocals. The rest of the soap intros were like time warps to the past--in a bad way. Anyway, clearly the OLTL and GH intros were rip-offs of the AMC idea and I think the copycat approach does them a total disservice. Why not free the creative teams of each show to produce individually styled openings that showcase each shows thematic cues? Why not give them all access to orchestral arrangements capable of producing equally rich, classic instrumental pieces on par with AMC or the best shows on TV? After all, these shows air 5 times a week! That guitar theme on OLTL is so annoying and that screeching sax solo thing on GH reminds me of similar screeching sax themes from the 80s like LA Law. Even the older AMC falling pictures opening used a saxophone that today sounds dated.

It's sort of like the characters on AMC for the past couple of years. Instead of unique characterizations by a diverse cast with unique diction and articulation and look, everyone in Pine Valley looks, sounds and acts the same. They even all were the same clothes from some cheap mall store in NY. Erica is a mother whose children have children, but don't call her Grandma. She and Adam have to compete with 20 year olds for dates. Angie has even morphed into Black Annie now with the straight hair and bangs! The homogeneity of the characters is amplified by the indistinguishable intros to each show. Except for the guns, the head wounds and the occasional time warp, it’s hard to tell where one show stops and the others start. Soaps are about diversity and the creative process. ABC should give each of its soaps their own room to create an identifiably unique stamp in the Daytime lineup. I don't see Whoopi straightening out those nasty dreads and getting bangs.

I do like some of the visual cues in the GH opening-the roulette wheel behind Geary, the hospital, etc., but when did Port Charles turn into such a mega-metropolis? And what's with the creepy castle on the hill? Did those people from Passions move to Port Charles? I love the use of the actors real names--a classy touch. Better music may have won me over.

Now it’s time to re-do the OLTL intro. I just hope that when it happens, OLTL gets to strut its stuff a little so it stands out as something other than the show between the other two. It is absolutely the show on the edge of pop culture and it's opening should clearly depict that we aren't in Pine Valley anymore.

As for AMC, I feel like I've been through a war. We've been fighting for this show for years. I’m losing characters that I’ve known for 20 and 30 years. How does a soap fan put into words the connection he or she has to the characters in a show? When I’m sick at home from work, those people are always there for me! They always show up at exactly the same time to make me feel better. (Unless the weather's bad or the President needs to talk to me.) I love them and I miss them when they disappear.

Today, my beloved Brooke showed up. I doubt today's episode was outta sight exciting, but I'm ok with that. It’s a comfort that she came home for a visit. I don't need to be thrilled to the core every day. I so hope Brooke stays longer than planned, but it’s a sign things are returning to some semblance of normal. I'm still suffering from “PPT”-“Post Pratt Trauma”. I'll be having a nice day and then Shazam! I remember Brooke disappearing into the hospital elevator, the Satin Slayer, Reese kissing Zach, Zarf, Poison Pancakes, Stuart hitting the ground dead, Marian being hauled off to Oak Haven, Aidan talking to a vent, babies being held like Mufasa to a tornado ravaged sky, baby swaps, sex by candlelight, Jupiter sized Moons hovering outside Ryan’s window. I need normal on AMC for a while. The theme song and intro are the only parts of the show that haven’t been completely gutted, and I’m not ready to give them up. For now, they are sacred cows.

And you just thought I was just going to write love letters to Brooke English this week, didn’t you? One thing’s for sure, it’s not boring on AMC, OLTL and GH these days. There is a lot to discuss along with Idol and whatever else pops into your astoot minds. This is where you tell us all about it, right here. And remember, if you haven't heard last week's podcast, it's available on Itunes or the link at the bottom of last week's blog post. Funny stuff! Don't miss it!

Are You Ready?

• for AMC in HD
• for PVP on TV... Guide.ca, that is?
• for new Head Writers DK and DS?
• any other abbreviations my brain is too fried to be clever about right now?

We here at the Pine Valley Podcast are thrilled to be back! Due to various illnesses, inclement weather, etcetera, etcetera, Jordan and I have hard a hard time getting together to record our little show. But we're back, for now, and it's oh-so-grand! We love doing the podcast, and hope you enjoy it. It's our first in over three weeks - yikes! And so much has happened - our beloved James Mitchell passed, AMC started airing in HD, Lorraine Broderick's episodes started airing, Jordan and I started watching again, and, oh yeah! Shadow, Jordan and I got nominated for two Spirit Awards on TVGuide.ca, courtesy of the lovely Nelson Branco! The (soap) world is a very different place since you and I last spoke, and it's just tickling us pink.

For those of y'all who have mentioned that we've been a little, ahem, down on All My Children for, oh, the past two years or so, then this (might) be the podcast for you! Okay, so it's not all good, but it sure ain't all bad! And it's been a very, very long time since we've been able to say that.

So join us, friends, for some lively conversation and only a *little* AMC bashing! And please, please, please don't forget to tell us what you think about it all, here.

2/12/10 Podcast

My How Things Have Only Slightly Changed

Yesterday was the first day an entire AMC-LA episode aired in HD. In the past I have recorded the AMC replays on SoapNet because the city I live in airs AMC on a one day tape delay. I don’t know what it is about SoapNet, but none of its HD offerings ever look so hot to me. Y&R & GH always look a little grainy compared to their original CBS/ABC airings which are incredible. Anyway, I checked out AMC-LA-HD on Hulu and it was amazing! Everything really does look bigger, brighter, and cleaner. The sets have been nicely updated with fresh paint, roomier rooms and doors that don’t wobble. And low and behold everybody got a haircut, lost their fake tans and look great-maybe even younger. I worried about how some of the older actors would appear, but my fears were unfounded. The entire cast looked their best. The only thing that irked me was seeing Chuck Pratt’s name scroll across the screen again. I hoped HD would mark the end of Pratt’s run on AMC. Dude, take a hint!

I have to be honest about my viewing habits lately. I’ve been working like crazy and busy trying to keep up with the kids. I hurt my shoulder earlier this month and the minute I get home I pop a painkiller and let it work its magic. Even if AMC was airing fascinating stories, I’d be hard pressed to lucidly get through an entire episode so I’ve continued to skip around and fast forward as if Chuck Pratt was still there in his glory. This is how I approach AMC right now: I watch the opening to refresh my numbed mind about whatever happened the day before, then I scan the first five minutes for evidence that Chuck Pratt is still in the writing credits. If I see Pratthole’s name I mutter something vile and inappropriate and place my finger carefully on the FF button watching Madison, Frandi, JR and Marissa whiz by in a blur. I slow down to sample what’s happening if I notice the Chandlers, Opal, Tad & Liza, Greenlee & David and, like watching a trainwreck, Erica & Ryan. Anyway, I’m able to finish an entire episode in less than 10 minutes.

Because I’ve been skimming the show so liberally I’ve been reluctant to post a new blog, but the last post was getting pretty long so I’ve thrown caution to the wind. Remember though, at the time I’m writing this I’m two hours into some primo painkillers and typing with a gimpy arm so cut me some slack.

Everybody’s raving about GH and OLTL so I’ve been checking them out. There’s just no comparison between the amazing quality of the stories airing on those two shows and the crap on AMC. I have never been a member of the GH fan club, but I have to admit the parts I watched last week were chocked impressively with so much intelligent dialogue and palpable emotion. Even though I barely watch OLTL, it’s filled with tour de force performances, great comedic qualities, and lots of tender and scary moments. Watching OLTL is exhausting because you run the gamut of dramatic emotion from grief to joy. Now I’m totally jazzed about the OLTL snow storm. I was never excited about the AMC tornado, and I watch AMC everyday.

There’s just not much happening with the AMC storylines that’s grabbing my attention. These days when I watch I find myself mostly just observing the differences in the new sets and stuff like that. It’s like “OOOh, Adam got a new couch.” or “WOW, that’s a nice mantle in Liza’s apartment.” Amanda had some nice performance moments a few days ago but, honestly, I’m grasping at straws to stay interested. I feel myself slipping into a donut hole, but I’m desperately trying to hang in there until LoBro’s stories begin airing. I hear she wrote some amazing stuff for sweeps and for Brooke’s return, but good gosh bring it on already.

I should note some positives about the show so nobody thinks I’ve just turned into a hater. Granted the stories are still lame, but the dialogue is much better. The actors seem reinvigorated and it shows in their performances. Not only are they acting better they look better. Seriously, who knew KWAK’s boobs were going to look so great in HD! Her abundant HD cleavage alone almost made the investment worth it. The new Chandler and Wildwind sets are more substantial and it’s nice to see people spread out a little. Even the hospital and Tad’s place seem less claustrophobic. That’s great for Tad considering half the town is still living in his house. Having Opal around more and mixing it up with Erica and the gang on a regular basis is a blast. She gives the show a huge pick me up every second she’s on the screen.

Now that Rebecca Budig is out of bed, she looks hot and is showing some spark. It took that girl no time to ditch the Dearfoams and hospital garb and slip into a tight little suit, some stilettos and proper accessories. Who knew Nurse Gayle was such a good personal shopper? Anyway, Greenlee seems to be putting a worthy effort into her performance this time. Maybe that Bob guy she was married to was dragging her down during her last stint and the divorcee life is agreeing with her. Then again, maybe she just has an easier time working off David's slight speech impediment than Aidan’s unintelligible ramblings. David and Greenlee definitely have chemistry and whatever they do together, it should be fun. When she was with Aidan she always looked a little confused like "WTF did he just say to me?".

The Chandler’s are getting more interesting as a group and Adam looks healthy. Of course he's getting to grope Annie so it's no wonder he’s perked up. Marissa in all her Hee Haw-teeth glory still bugs me, but she gets sort of interesting when she’s pissed at David. Maybe these new writers can do something with her.

Amanda and Jake I love, but I fear AMC ran their coupling into the ground before they could rescue them from Pratt’s storyline. Again, maybe the new writers will surprise us. One thing for sure is that they need to be freed from the clutches of evil Dr. Dave and the endless baby drama.
Forgive me for slipping back to the negative but I’m sorry, Randi is the new Turd. I see no improvement there and wish she would land an amazing hair deal or contact lense deal requiring her full attention outside LA. I agree Madison may have some chemistry with Ryan, but she’s kind of a bore lurking around Fusion playing Mammie to Erica. And speaking of Ryan, Cameron needs to lay off the Botox or whatever has erased virtually every traceable line from his face! I can’t blame him for tidying up a bit for the HD premier, but his face is less expressive than Erica’s. It’s like they told him he was going to have to play with Erica’s snatch and the look on his face froze forever. Whatever the deal is with him, Lucci has never looked better. Maybe it’s one part genes, one part surgical and one part pilates, but we should all be so lucky to look so phenomenal at her age. I think something about this move and HD has refreshed her entire appearance.

It’s been a while since LA has been so enamored with a celebrity like the city has fawned over Susan Lucci. They have rolled out the red carpet for her and I’m so happy to see her get the proper respect she deserves. ABC is incredibly lucky to have her. Let’s face it, she’s the most recognizable face in daytime and if this deal in LA flies, ABC should kiss her ass.

So that’s it. Not much to say about the show itself while we continue to wait out this transition.

The two most important things to note are this:

First, AMC lost a legend when James Mitchell died. Just the fact that he was on the show for 30 years is amazing. Just try to think of someone you know who has held a job anywhere nearly that long. I loved Palmer and the entire Courtland clan. They were introduced to AMC when the show expanded from 30 minutes to 60. I could go on and on about him and my favorite Palmer stories, but our own AMPHITRION said it so beautifully in the blog:

When a great soap actor dies, we mourn twice. First, we mourn for the man, but also we grieve for the character. James Mitchell was a remarkable, accomplished, and incredibly talented actor, teacher and dancer. Palmer Cortland was one of the greatest characters in the history of daytime. I am sad the world has lost this great man and these two souls. I will miss them both.

Secondly, regular PVP poster AZGAL’s mother died this past week. Although we never met her mother, we all understand how much the loss of a parent means to a person. I wish I had words that could lessen AZGAL’s sadness right now, but at least she knows that she and her family are in our thoughts and prayers as they grieve.

So what’s on your mind? Feel free to spill the details right here.

Compare & Contrast

Mixed opinions, here, but we have taken a little flak for our One Life to Live coverage. I mean, we are called The Pine Valley Podcast. We get it, people. We hear you. We just can't help ourselves, though. One Life just does it better. Take the following:

• One Life has mature adults screwing maturely (e.g. Bo and Nora); AMC has Tad and Liza making out in front of teens and hired help.
• One Life at least attempts to respect the truth of a woman's fertility cycle (where Stacy actually has to account for the month delay in her pregnancy); AMC's Amanda has a 6-month fertile period. (Her ovum are very, very hearty.)
• One Life has folks who have to apartment hunt when they have no place to live; AMC just puts everyone in Greenlee's old apartment (or the Santos/Grey mansion).
• One Life has great stories and characters; AMC has... great hairstylists? Nice sets?

Ouch. Okay, so maybe that last one was harsh. We're here to tell the honest truth, people. This is our show, and we need to hold the a-holes in charge to a much higher standard. Thoughts? Opinions? Give us yours, here.

1/15/10 Podcast

Forty and Feeling... No So Fabulous

We watched this week, dear viewers. And we were excited to watch! After all, it was an anniversary show - the 40th Anniversary of our beloved All My Children. How badly could anyone screw that up? Even Pratthole! I mean, all you have to do is show some classic clips, feature the amazing veterans you had come back (Julia Barr, Kelly Ripa, Taylor Miller, Laurence Lau, Eva LaRue, to name the best), and voila! A show even Ashley and Jordan could love!

I truly, truly hate to say it, but we didn't love it. Like most of y'all, we were disappointed. We wanted to love it! We wanted to rally behind it! Alas, our love was not meant to be. Oh Lorraine, Lorraine - you can't come back too soon!

Take a listen to our latest, then give a hella holla, if you like, here.

1/8/10 Podcast

Happy New Show!

It's a New Year, and (let's hope) a new show for our All My Children.

We've taped a new podcast for you, our beloved listeners, marking the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. We haven't watched much, we admit, but we'll be watching this year, the 40th year of All My Children, and the first year back for our beloved Lorraine Broderick.

We hope you'll stick with us as we attempt to keep our own little show going - babies, unemployment, ghetto neighborhoods - and we promise to (try to) watch again. And why wouldn't we? There's much - finally - to look forward to.

So pop the cap on the malt liquor, kick up those hootchie heels, and join the fun. And, oh yeah! Don't forget to leave those ass-toot comments of yours here.

12/25/09 Podcast

I Gotta Feeling....

We here at the Pine Valley Podcast are thrilled about the new developments at our beloved All My Children. "Chuck Pratt Out, Lorraine Broderick In" are just about the greatest 6 words I've personally ever heard uttered (next to "It's a girl... It's a boy!", of course).

We celebrated by writing a little ditty, so rather than try to top Shadow's ass-toot (more like brilliant) post last week, we'll just sing our joy. It speaks for itself, I think.

We hope you'll chime in too with your joy, here.

11/25/09 Podcast

-------------------

I Gotta Feeling

By Ashley B. Mendoza and Jordan Hudson (sort of)

I gotta feeling

All My Children is gonna be alright

Now that Pratt’s gone it’s gonna be out of sight!

How I prayed for this day with all my might!

Such a Pratthole

Ruined my show

Kiss my ass Pratthole

Oh please just go

Lorraine is back

She’ll save the day

Now if just Fronsie

Would go uh-WAY!

ABCs on the attack

Now that Chuck Pratt is gone

We can get our show back

I feel so damn happy

Even Aidumb I’d blow

Now if Randi and Liza

Would be the next to go!

Pratthole is gone

Mazel tov!

Dutch oven Pratthole

Just get get -- off

Get off my show

You piece of dung

Let a real writer

Show how it’s done!

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it again!

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it again!

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it again!

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it

Lorraine do it again!

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE PRATTHOLE!!

Prattostrophic. Prattastrophe. The Tornado. Dr. Sinclair. Randi. Di. Marissa. Dr. Evil. Relentless Annie. Stuart. Headwounds. Comas. The Cougar.

It began with a storm of epic proportions-the Tornado that was to wipe the Pine Valley canvas clean, reboot AMC and re-energize the ABC daytime lineup. Ironically, all we lost was Kendall’s seaside cabin and The Comeback. Even Babe is still around, sort of. The real damage wasn’t the tornado, it was the relentless stupidity of Head Writer Chuck Pratt whose path of destruction, misogyny, disrespect, carelessness and ineptitude has been limitless and titanic.

I have to hand it to our very own Jordan Hudson. He called it from the start. He was familiar with Chuck Pratt and predicted how we would suffer under the hell of Pratt’s pen. It quickly became apparent to the rest of us the minute we found out Bianca was pregnant with her sister’s husband’s baby. And it all just imploded after that as promising stories bombed and offended: Taylor, Brot and Jake; Who Shot Stuart; the Dance-a-thon; and infamously, Bianca and Reese. All fine, even brilliant actors in the roles couldn’t save the randomly idiotic plot points. It’s been a brilliantly explosive and excruciating nosedive into the toilet for a show rich in history, esteemed for its social relevance and beloved for its actors and the legacy put forth by the legendary Agnes Nixon. In fact, Erica actually scrubbed the toilet with Annie’s bangs if I recall correctly.

But suddenly something happened. Somebody woke up and started paying attention and holding people accountable. Somebody put down their crack pipe and, in a moment of clarity, realized that a huge opportunity with the 40th anniversary was about to be squandered. It was announced that Julia Barr is returning. For however brief a stint it may be, it was a huge announcement. Hayley, Mateo, Nina, Greg, Maria, Lily, Bianca will be there all played by the fan faves who originated the characters. Coming on the heels of Aidan’s merciful departure and Colby’s recast, our imaginations ran wild with speculation of the possibilities, but it was hard to ignore the fact that Pratt is still writing for the show. If Susan Lucci and Debbi Morgan can’t spin this shit into gold, how could any of them do it? More than likely we would watch the 40th in anticipation only to feel cheated in the end with people who sound and look the part, but act more like people out of Stepford Wives or pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Let’s face it, Pratt never got it. Why would this be any different? I figured the 40th would be the end for me--a good point to thank the actors for caring enough to try and just wave goodbye to a show I’ve loved for literally as long as I can remember—almost the entire run of the show.

Then came the news that Pratt has been released from his duties as head writer followed by the doozie that Lorraine Broderick will be writing through the transition. I always said we fans would weather Pratt’s storm, but I was this close to giving up. When you love something, you go out of your way to make time for it. In my life, I have skipped school and work for this show, stayed up way too late, procrastinated on completing tasks of far greater significance, just to tune in and catch up with my Pine Valley friends and neighbors. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. But suddenly my hope has been restored. I don’t know who to thank, but if you are reading this, even if you were the one who brought Pratt to town, I forgive you and I thank you for having the courage to make this change. I don’t really care why or how it came to be. I just appreciate the fact that it appears that maybe you are paying attention and taking charge. While I am grateful and I really want to acknowledge all of the incredibly wonderful changes taking place, there is one very significant truth that still has to be dealt with:

All My Children still freaking sucks.

It’s horrendous. As we speak Annie is in a coma. David Hayward is holding Amanda’s womb hostage. Madison is hiding in a closet somewhere. JR is still bald. Aidan hasn’t left. Randi is still alive. AMC can’t course correct fast enough. ABC needs to swallow the bitter pill, pony up the money and rewrite, reshoot and reinvent this show STAT! Don’t even waste time trying to make sense out of Pratt’s bullshit. Just drop his stories and characters like yesterday’s Taylor Thompson. Poof! Make it all disappear.

Control. Alt. Delete. Reboot!

It’s the holidays. I’d rather watch ‘best of’ compilations, classic reruns, and reunion shows where people just get together, exchange pleasantries and eat cookies than see anymore episodes where Annie acts crazy, Aidan acts jealous, David acts evil, Adam acts feeble, Erica acts horny, Jessie acts stupid, Tad bores me to death, and anyone suffers blunt trauma to the head. Give Lorraine free reign and support to do her thing. Tell me when we can expect to start seeing the results of her influence because until I know for sure that Pratt’s material is finished and her material has started, I’m not watching.

So WooHoo Pratt is gone! Hip Hip Hooray Colby’s been recast! Three cheers for Julia Barr’s return! And all that other good stuff.

But it don’t mean shit until Pratt disappears from Pine Valley for good.

What’s going through your minds? What characters should Lorraine bring back? Share your hopes, thoughts and wishes right here.

The Best of Both Worlds

So - we couldn't take it anymore.

An hour of All My Children "discussion," and 5 minutes of One Life to Live? Sorry to disappoint y'all that listen to The Pine Valley Podcast exclusively for our ass-toot AMC commentary, but we had to expand the show. I mean, c'mon now - I think even the cruelest of folks wouldn't expect us here at the 'Cast to watch (anymore) so you don't have to! I've got two babies waking up every hour to eat, and that torture still ain't worse than 5 hours of All My Children every week!

So let us know what you think. Oh yeah - and help us come up with a new name. Y'all are clever, and I got Mommy-brain. So do your thing, darling bloggers, here. (Can't wait to hear what you come up with!)

11/13/09 Podcast

The Power of Positive Thinking

• AMC Head Writer Chuck Pratt discovers that Adam killed Stuart!
• Frankie and Randi are free of Madison! (Or are they?)
• J.R. and Marissa get hitched, and, with the money they're saving on J.R.'s hair gel, the adorable couple makes plans for the future!
• Little Emma blackmails her mommy. ¡Qué cute!

Ick.

Folks, I just don't know what to say anymore. I think I've been beaten into submission. I'm done. From what other boards seem to be saying, All My Kids is, like, totally awesome right now! And I don't have it in me in this post to argue. I did plenty of that in this week's cast.

Warning: this is another (mostly) negative podcast. Don't say you haven't been warned.

And don't forget: while I don't love AMC right now, I love me some PVP bloggers! All are welcome, so please, come on in for a visit here!

10/23/09 Podcast

Oh Man, I Got Nothin'

I have to admit, when Ashley asked if I would post a new blog this week, my first thought was "Oh shit, I'm busted". You see, I haven't watched much since the last time I posted during the dance-a-thon. Sure, I've caught a few minutes here and there, but mostly I've kept up through your astoot comments, the blog, the podcast and spoilers. Honestly, I don't feel like I've missed much. From what I can tell, very little has really happened on the show. Nobody on the show has really accomplished anything or grown as a person. The show's just treading water waiting for the move. The drama off screen regarding the move has been far more interesting, but my interest in that is even beginning to fade. Rebecca Budig is coming back. Woohoo.

Anyway, I thought I should try to say something really positive about the show--at least just one thing. Not much there for me right now though. About all I'm hanging onto these days is, "Nice theme song". Anyway, this show has been dissected over and over again by some of the best minds in the soap business. Twitter is a'buzz with the FIRE PRATT petition that is circulating. So what am I going to write about that hasn't been said over and over again the past few weeks?

How about a poem? Well it seemed like a good idea at first. The problem was finding my inspiration. Ryan and Erica? Ick. Annie and Adam. Vomit. Randi? Be serious. No the only thing that sort of inspired me was my total detestation of head scribe Chuck Pratt. Right away the rhymes starting whirling inside my brain, "Hickory Dickory Dock. Chuck Pratt can suck my....". However, I remembered that Ashley likes to keep this PG and I already said "shit" in the first sentence so I gave up on that ditty. After pondering this for the better part of a few seconds, I was able to put together this little number to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a hack named Pratt
There is no worse writer, he’s a total ass hat
He is killing All My Children, makes me wonder WTF
Why won’t the network get rid of this guy Chuck?

Pratt that is, Charles Pratt, Pratthole.

Well the first thing you know when his writing hit the air
Viewers said, “Chuck get away from there”
Said Melrose Place is the place you ought to be
Then Frons loaded up the show, moved it to Los Angeleeze.

Hollywierd, that is. Andrita Studios. HD.

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Pratt and all his kin.
To Judy Blye Wilson, Frons, Crapputhers and Brianne
They aren't invited back again to stay in Pine Valley
Even when it starts broadcasting in HDTV

Haul ass, that is. Suck it, We dutch oven you!

Take Denise Vasi, y'hear?

I don't even know if that made sense, but it made me smile a little. Who doesn't love the Hillbillies theme song? How are you all coping with the state of AMC right now? Let's commiserate with each other, right here.

Please Don't Feed the Animals

If you're wondering what the hell that means, click here. (Scroll down to the part about AMC and Nelson Branco's boycott of "one of the worst shows in the history of television." Meow!)

We're back this week, folks, and no, we didn't watch. With two babies and severe sleep deprivation, I literally cannot - and will not - sacrifice almost 5 hours a week to this drivel.

Lots to discuss besides the crapola and bull-ca-ca that Pratt has wreaked on our Pine Valley - like, for example, rumors of Becky Budig's return, Thorsten and Alicia's certain exit, Dorothy Lyman back as Opal?, and lots of other fun stuff!

We miss you all lots, and even if we're not posting (or watching) every week, we're still loving the PVP community! All are welcome, so stop by here.

10/02/09 Podcast

I don't know if "They Shoot Horses", but I hope "They Hire A New Head Writer"

I never saw “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”, but after watching "All My Children" last week I’m going to assume that movie really sucked.

Not being familiar with the film, I did some research. From what I can tell, it is a thoroughly depressing drama about the marathon dance craze of the Great Depression. Apparently, married couples and unacquainted social dancers alike would arduously swing and sway for hundreds of continuous hours for a cash reward. In “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”, the marathon dance acts as a central metaphor for the "dance" of life, and through the motions exists an everlasting berating, conspiracy, and competitive animosity. Only Pratthole would find inspiration in this flick.

If Pratt got anything right, it was the “thoroughly depressing” part, as last week’s episodes were the worst I’ve seen in the decades I’ve watched the show. In my version of hell this dance-a-thon would be playing on Hell-TV 24/7. Conceptually, it was a doomed from the start. In lieu of the “cash reward” common in the Depression era dance marathons, AMC offered a fake charity for real starving Africans. Couldn’t it at least have benefitted a fake charity with some tie to the show like the Miranda Center? Fake charity for real starving people just seems wrong.

Secondly, whatever happens at Fusion/ConFusion usually sucks, so cramming the entire cast into the place is like begging viewers to change the channel. I realize Pratt was trying to accommodate a budget issue, but nothing good ever happens at Fusion/ConFusion and he should know that by now. This is the point in the blog where I would normally make a joke about the legions of characters who have been assaulted at ConFusion or how odd everyone looks with the ConFusion lights shining up their nostrils, but seriously the most ridiculous, ludicrous things happen in this set so again, using this set as the focus of the story set it up for certain failure. Why not have some moving memorial to the town’s history and rise from the destruction of the tornado? It would have been a chance to utilize all the vets we love and may not see much of anymore. Instead we had Adam, Jessie and half the male population of Pine Valley acting their scenes in the women’s restroom at ConFusion. The WOMEN'S restroom! Ridiculous!

Third, I guess Pratt thinks “the dance of life” and “everlasting berating, conspiracy, and competitive animosity” means women duking it out in the crapper. If there was ever a sign of how low this show has sunk under Pratt’s pen, it was the moment the show’s beloved heroine Erica Kane, at 62, apparently stuffed Annie’s head in a toilet. We didn’t actually see Erica cleaning the bowl with Annie’s bangs, but it was pretty clear what happened. I’m assuming Annie doesn’t have a glandular problem we don’t know about that causes profuse sweating from the head. For one thing, Annie could beat Erica up with her lips so Erica throwing Annie around was absurd. For another, after the initial dunking, Annie continued dancing! Did it dawn on her or anyone else that she may have had urine or a piece of shit in her hair? I tell you why Adam passed out. Annie smelled like shit! I’m surprised Annie didn’t die from E-Coli!!!

Fourth, the dancing. Even the black people on this show dance like old white people. This was more Dork Dance-Off than Dancing With the Stars. In fact, there was only one star in attendance, namely Erica. Adam Chandler was more Steve Wozniak than Hélio Castroneves. And I’m assuming the rest of the world isn’t in the midst of a Petey craze, so I don’t think they could have raised $5 on local access let alone whatever they pretended to raise on national TV. I guess we should be grateful we didn’t have to watch Tad try to dance to “My Humps”. And what happened to all those pole dancing skills we saw a few years ago?

As for everything else, it was just varying degrees of shiteous. Erica and Krystal are new BFFs? Never. David, Jake and Amanda continue to make no sense. Whatever snap Jake and Amanda had is evaporating faster than the toilet water on Annie’s forehead. Adam gets light headed and sees a vision of Stuart and then decides to take a break? I would have exited stage left when my date came back from the bathroom with dingleberries in her hair! Madison walks in circles hurling insults at the nearest Hubbard and never once gets the back of Mother Hubbard's hand. Zach and Liza make out on TV and piss off how ever many few Zendall fans still exist out there. JR and Marissa dry hump on the roof but nobody at this huge fake charity event notices. Prisoner-in-hiding Kendall somehow slips past all the media unnoticed, sneaks into ConFusion, and nobody notices.

And as if things weren’t bad enough, Aidan returns.

But to show us that things can always be worse, McKenzie Phillips took over the airwaves with the bile inducing details of her incestuous affair with her father. I was able to keep it down during AMC, but this was too much. I threw up a little in my mouth. Between AMC and McKenzie, the whole week seemed less “Feed the World” and more “World Vomit Week” .

So now we hear that Aidan Turner is out. Rumors are flying that Beth Ehlers is leaving and Beth Ann Bonner is coming, but does any of it really matter as long as Pratthole is still head writer? There was absolutely nothing wrong with Beth Ehlers. She saw the writing on the wall and made a move from GL to AMC and AMC totally failed her. I don't begrudge her a thing. Her storyline sounded great but the execution was heinous. Remember Brot sneaking around the hospital with Colby, er Turdby? She never had a chance. She spoke out in frustration and she got shit-canned for it. Her failure is Pratt's failure and a missed opporturnity. RPG got a legacy character with tons of history. She got an ill defined, poorly imagined character Pratt special. Beth Ann Bonner, you are forewarned.

Thank goodness for the new TV season and all the stuff we can talk about that doesn't involve anyone McKenzie Phillips has had sex with or Chuck Pratt’s writing skills. We may call it the PVP, but it’s so much more. And with all of your astoot commentary, you give AMC and TPTB a chance to see that we care about and support well written, quality programming. So whether it’s OLTL or something else putting a smile on your face this season, all you have to do is let your fingers do the talking, right here.

Only Love Can Save the World

... and only love can save our show.

(Sigh.)

Don't see that happening. Clearly Frons, Pratthole, Craputhers and the rest of the dipshits over at All My Children aren't sharing the love we fans have for their product, or the genre, for that matter. What I can't understand is, why the hell would you work in daytime television unless you loved it? There ain't much money in daytime, and not much respect, either. So you do it (like Carlivati and Wheeler and Valentini) for the love of it. For the love of families, and their stories, to see and experience with them the ups and downs of their lives, the highs and lows. For the comfort in knowing that we are all alike, that we share the same joys and sorrows, and that we all dream of love, comfort, happiness, and maybe a pretty dress once in a while.

People, we did a podcast. Not much to cover on AMC. It's just not fun anymore to comment on because it's just too pathetic. If you wanna hear us dish about the show, save yourself the time. If you wanna hear us dish about everything but AMC, then this podcast is for you!

As for what Jordan and I want? Well, we want to hear you dish, so do your thing folks, here.

(Oh - and do us all a favor: if you haven't already, sign the "Fire Chuck Pratt" petition, here. Thanks, BronxGal, for your valiant efforts!)

9/18/09 Podcast

Where the Hell Do I Start?

First of all, folks, no new podcast this week. We're so sorry - Jordan and I couldn't work out our schedules. We do have so much to talk about and hope to be back next week.

Between feeding my babies, putting them down for (attempted) naps, and playing with them, I have no time for the hot mess that is All My Children. I watch with one eye on Carlos' high-definition television, whilst I read e-mails, clip the twins' nails, cruise websites for cheap Pampers, and read DaytimeConfidential.com. Anything to spare me the full impact of the mess that was once my beloved. (There. I've said it. I feel better admitting it.)

That being said, I am almost up to Friday's eppy. What I enjoyed: Erica's "impromptu" speech on New Beginnings (complete with a finely edited slideshow of her Africa trip), Jake & Mandy's "wedding" (very sweet), and InsAnnie and Scott (hot, hot, hot!). Angie and Jesse are no longer our Angie and Jesse, and I really wish Denise Vasi would go back to modeling for Avon.

INSIDER ALERT: Our sources confirmed that Thorsten Kaye will not be making the trip to La La Land (our delightful friend Nelson Branco of TV Guide Canada first reported the rumblings), and they also confirmed that the primary motive for the move was to be able to "legally" break contracts with the higher-paid actors. Studio, schmudio - Frons is tired of paying Lucci, Williams, Morgan and Knight, and if they decline, he saves. So I've changed my mind - I say, "California, Here They Come!" Foil those effer's plans!

Other stuff much more worthy of our time (and yours)? I'm mixed on Glee, people!! Still adoring Mad Men, digging L.A. Ink fa' real, and even getting into Flip This House. I'm over Hoarders but still loving Intervention, Project Runway is hot, but Models of the Runway leaves me cold, and I ain't missing an eppy of Oprah! The Black Eyed Peas ruled last week.

Oh yeah -there's always our wacky Serena Williams and our kuh-RAY-zee Kanye! Not a good weekend for our African American brothers and sisters.

Finally - and most importantly - is our blog brother (and one of the first PVP fans), Norn (AKA n69). He's been sick for weeks, and just got out of the hospital. A mystery illness, and one that may come back. Let's send him a loving shout-out for a speedy recovery and wishes that he stays healthy! (Oh yeah, and check out his amazing art, too!

So much to discuss! Hope you'll join us for it all!

And the award goes to…The CW?

I’ve been replaying the Daytime Emmys in my head and reading some of the recaps and reviews. It was fun watching Sunday night and blogging and twittering as the winners were announced one after the other. We may have differing opinions regarding how entertaining the telecast was, but at least there was a telecast. It wasn’t on NBC, CBS, ABC or PBS-the networks who garnered the nominations. It wasn’t even on SoapNet, the network that’s supposed to be about soap operas. No, the network we have to thank for giving us the opportunity to watch is the CW, a network that didn’t have any nominations and doesn’t even have a daytime lineup. Thanks to CW, soap enthusiasts like us get a chance to debate who looked best and who needs to trash their stylists, who won and who was robbed, and whether the telecast was a classy fete’ or a hot mess. It wasn’t the flashiest, grandest celebration, but it was better than nothing.

Now the ratings have been tabulated and it should surprise nobody they were down 50% from last year’s telecast on ABC. Already pundits and doomsayers have labeled the ratings decline as another sign of a dying genre. I haven’t seen any mention of the fact that the telecast wasn’t publicized well or that it was on a network that garners a much smaller average audience anyway or that it aired on one of the historically lowest rated nights of the year. Reports are that CW is even abandoning Sunday night altogether and giving the airtime back to its affiliates because it has performs so poorly on Sundays. All awards shows have been declining in ratings for years-Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Globes are all down.

I’m not out of touch with reality. I get that daytime network TV is in turmoil, but as is typical of the media and pop culture these days, the hype of daytime’s demise is reaching fever pitch and I don’t think it’s fair to take this one event as anything more than what it was for CW—time filler until they date they turn the night back to the affiliates, a way to promote the upcoming season of Melrose Place to a targeted audience of 2.5 million potential viewers who may have some interest in the resurrected soap. I’ve watched AMC and OLTL since the 1970s and I was an avid Melrose fan right up until the time Jamie Luner joined the cast which for me was the exact time it started to suck. I’m sure it was just a coincidence. Who knows exactly why CW chose to air the Daytime Emmys, but I’m glad they did. As a soap fan, maybe I’ll return the favor and check out the new Melrose Place this fall.

Maybe next year the Emmys will merge and air the best of daytime and primetime together. I doubt it. In fact, I'm not sure I’ll ever get to see the live telecast again after this year, so thanks CW for giving this regular guy at least one more time to share the Emmy evening live.

As for “All My Children”, it received 5 Daytime Emmy Awards. Vincent Irizarry took home the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. AMC also won Outstanding Achievement in Art Direction/Set Decoration/Scenic Design for a Drama Series; Outstanding Achievement in Lighting Direction for a Drama Series; Outstanding Achievement in Live and Direct to Tape Sound Mixing for a Drama Series, and Outstanding Achievement in Technical Direction/Electronic Camera/Video Control for a Drama Series. I guess all the technical awards means that they liked the Tornado, the helicopter scene, the flushing sounds between scenes, the shaky camera outside at the Yacht Club, and the soft focus on the old people.

As for the actual AMC episodes last week, I have just a few observations. Even though I want to be positive for the genre and not make mountains out of mole hills, AMC itself bored me to tears last week. The chief problem for me continues to be in the writing.

Suck on this Pratt:

People kicking in Zach’s door is becoming as cliché’ as people breaking into the Chandler Mansion through the tunnels.

The whole Hubbard clan has been shamefully turned into a lying, stealing, kidnapping bunch of dipshits, and it is egregious what Pratt has done to Jesse and Angie. With an adept, talented writer, the focus of the show could make Jesse and Angie the new moral center of the show like the Martins were once. Bianca could be the new Kane matriarch—a power lesbian with Mama Kane’s drive. Now I am dreaming.

I am tired of “Todos Los Ninos” and Pratt poking fun at AMC and the genre in his wink wink nod to the imaginary telenova. Pratt should take his responsibility for AMC more seriously.

At first, I thought maybe it was just all the blood rushing to JR’s moobs that made him lightheaded. Now we know he has a rare form of lymphoma. How original. As much as they have emasculated JR over the years, I’m surprised they didn’t give him testicular cancer and make him a uniball. He’s already a raging alcoholic. Last year he had hepatitis. What other bullshit disease can Pratt heap upon JR? Restless Leg Syndrome?

Zach is a patronizing pig, but JaLu thinks he has sexy eyes. Pratt went to the well again and had Kendall inflict a head injury on JaLu. Kendall’s swipe wouldn’t have been so bad, but the punch knocked JaLu’s panties off again and she tripped and hit her head.

I like it when Madison refers to Randi as Frankie’s “hooker wife”.

Somehow David figured out the whole baby thing, kidnapped Liza and held her at gunpoint. When Pratt runs out of ideas, somebody pulls a gun or suffers a head injury.

I just can’t quit this show, but I want it to get fun again. It's boring, poorly written, completely unrealistic and has abandoned the founding premises that made it a joy to watch. After so many years of wonderful entertainment, I feel obligated to the cast and crew to watch. Aside from the obvious answer of FIRING CHUCK PRATT, what else can we suggest to turn this boat around? Let your thoughts rip on AMC, the Emmys, Mad Men (love that show right now), Guiding Light (the end is near) or whatever pops into your astoot minds, right here.

Dumbest. Shit. Ever.

You are officially warned, folks. Yes, we did a podcast, but no, it ain't pretty. For reasons so ass-tootly captured by our fellow bloggers last week, All My Children was dumb-as-shit last week. A Scorpion on Krystal's chest? Nurse Gayle working a bar for David and hiding some super-mysterious (duh) guest? Zach locking Kendall in the attic? Madison "Cartoon-character" North constantly twirling her Jolen-Cream-Bleach-ed mustache with threats for Jesse, Frankie, and Angie? Angie and Jesse now both breaking the law? Frankie agreeing they should keep Rancid's kidnapped baby and yelling at his mother so ruthlessly? (Pratt really don't know black folk. You don't raise your voice at your momma like that, not without a slap upside the head. At least not where I come from. And certainly not at Momma Angela.)

I must have the word "idiot" stamped on my forehead, folks. It's so weird. I don't see it when I look in the mirror, but it must be there. Certainly the execs at AMC see it.

So go ahead. Listen at your own peril. Just don't ask why we decided to open with Guiding Light and end with One Life to Live.

Feel free to rip the show - or me - a new one, here.

8/21/09 Podcast

Dreams of Californication?

Last week on AMC, Annie asks the burning question: “Want some?” to which Scott replies, “Hell yeah!” and rips off his velcro shirt.

David and Liza share a kiss and the perfect Valtrex moment reminding us, as they say in the commercials, "it can affect both men and women, causing periodic outbreaks that may appear as painful or itchy clusters of blisters, bumps, and rashes in the genital area." Last week Adam got a prescription for Viagra. Next week Krystal’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome causes an embarrassing moment at ConFusion, but leads to the start of another cougar romance with an empathetic Petey who suffers from spontaneous bouts of greasy discharge.

Kendall’s face is plastered on the PV Bulletin Online, but nobody realizes someone else is impersonating her in jail. Meanwhile, the real Kendall hides out in a safe room furnished with cardboard boxes and Annie’s old furniture from Oak Haven dreaming of happier times and nicer sets.

Pratt continues his plan to turn the Hubbards into boring white people by making Jessie Zach’s new nanny and forcing Angie to wear Annie’s hand-me-down dresses and tresses with bangs.

Frankie learns how to use a key – with his fingers! Madison acts circles around Randi and sort of comes on to Frankie I guess because he’s really good with keys.

Randi is still a little gassy so she goes to the hospital to yell at Angie. Randi runs into Opal who reads her palm, but unfortunately Opal doesn't see acting lessons in Randi’s future. I also think Randi actually said “supposebly”.

AMC and Pratt continue to display a stunning grasp of realism as Tad and Taylor leave baby Trevor on the back porch of the church that looks just like the one Emma burned down in Puerto Rico. Fortunately, Jessie is the Chief of Police of Pratt Valley so it doesn’t matter that it’s a criminal offense. Opal, Tad, Taylor, Amanda and Jake are utterly surprised that the plan goes awry, that Child Protective Services whose job it is to provide for the health, safety and welfare of children, especially ones abandoned in burned out Puerto Rican churches, may get involved and possibly not turn the baby over to Jake and Amanda, if they can ever even actually find Trevor.

It’s been a week since TPTB announced AMC’s relocation to Los Angeles and subtle changes can already be seen taking place on screen. If you look carefully behind the outside shot of the Pratt Valley, uh Pine Valley Hospital, you can just make out the ‘HOLLYWOOD’ sign and the giant Mickey Mouse water tower. For the next few weeks, the real question isn’t “Who Killed Stuart” but who among the cast will check into the Hotel California to Live or Die in L.A.? Will Susan Lucci become a California Girl? Will Cameron Matheson attempt to find out if it really Ever Rains in Southern California? Will David Canary find All the Gold in California? OMG, will Brianne Moncrief like totally start talking like a Valley Girl? Whatever! That is OMG like, so, like, stupid, like, really, like, stupid! She totally like already talks like that!

It may be a podcastless week, but keep the blog just keeps going right here.

California, There They Go

Well, Brian Frons must be pleased with himself. When he hired Chuck Pratt as Head Writer of All My Children, he probably thought that would be the end. No more daytime! We kill All My Children with Pratt's sucktastic writing, and the others will follow. After all, AMC is the lead-in to both One Life to Live and General Hospital. But no! He didn't count on "those things you call - The Fans" being loyal. Somehow, many of us are still hanging in there - hoping - praying - that the madness will end. That our Brooke, our Dixie, will come back! That the vets will get stories worthy of their talent, that Man-Hands JaLu will take a long walk on a short pier, that Erica will grow up gracefully, and that the phrase "dead behind the eyes" will be a thing of the past! Why? Because we love our show! It's our AMC, Fronsie!

So what did Frons go ahead and do? He all but killed the thing with one stroke of his fat hand. Signed away AMC's New York studio space to OLTL, and announced the move to Ca-lih-for-ny-ay. La-La land, it is, forcing much of the cast and crew at best to quit, and at worst, to leave family and friends behind. Honestly, I would have preferred that he man-up and just cancelled the damn show. Just be done with it, dude! But no - he's chosen a long, torturous death for the show. And the vets, the staff, the cast (most of them, anyway) deserve more. Much more. EFF YOU FRONSIE! EFF YOU PRATT! I DUTCH OVEN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I feel better. DO your thing, people, here.

8/7/09 Podcast

They Give Emmys for This, Really?

Hey, I’m a friendly guy. In fact, I’d call myself a people person. I like all kinds of people. OK, people who act illogically bother me a little, and yes I’m quick to lose patience with people who don’t have any sense of personal boundaries. I guess that explains why I was a little concerned about our AMC friends this past week.

For example, what is with the open windows and doors in Pine Valley? And why is everyone always lurking around outside their friends and neighbors homes? Logical people don’t do that, especially when the town is in the midst of a crime spree— stabbings, shootings, break-ins. Not to mention epidemic head trauma and memory loss. Crazy people walking around killing and shooting at people and immediately repressing the memory or remembering repressed memories that totally never happened anyway! People in this town are batshit crazy!! Even if I lived in English Manor, I would have bars on the windows and booby trap all the doorways.

And when I go to a friend’s house, I usually call ahead and enter politely through the front door--especially if my friend is a single woman living alone with a baby in the house or if my friend is a wealthy old goat living on an estate allegedly crawling with security and which is the subject of a sensational murder investigation. I don’t think I’d be sneaking up on or surprising anyone. What if the open window or unlocked door is booby trapped? What if I were to startle the person and they picked up the gun laying near them on the floor, or under the bed, or in the flower pot or taped on the inside of the toilet lid and took a shot at me? You know they are at least going to hit you in the head and give you a nasty bruise. Who needs that? Pick up the phone and call first. Knock on the door and wait for it to be answered. Safety first people!

Anyway, here’s a rundown of last week’s shen-ANNIE-gans on AMC:

JESSIE is working too hard. He needs to cut NATALIA some slack and let her help. He can’t handle the PV crime spree alone.

Emotions are running high in the Hubbard clan. FRANKIE howled and flashed his big white wolf teeth over how shitty his luck has become. RANDI’s nostrils quivered after she lost the baby.

RYAN gritted and hissed and clenched his butt cheeks because he really didn’t want anybody to talk to EMMA. (I really wish somebody would pop RYAN’S thong when he goes on a rant.)

AMANDA is a beautiful idiot, and her plan is doomed before it gets underway. She is sneaking in Taylor’s window every 5 minutes, sleeping on the couch. I sort of understand where she’s coming from. There are at least 20 less people sleeping at TAYLOR’S house than the MARTIN house. But can't she just use the front door, knock before entering and call ahead?

TREVOR is already an addict—passed out on the couch with approximately 10 empty Enfamil bottles surrounding him.

KENDALL aka Alicia Minshew has a baby bulge. Manhands JALU just has a bulge.

KENDALL’s future is unclear after a repressed memory comes back to her and causes her to think she murdered the town’s beloved doofus.

ALERT: In case you missed it on SoapNet, the commercials for FlirtyGirlFit.com are sleazy and hot. Holy crap!

ERICA holds her own with everyone – DA "DUH" WILLIE, ADAM, LIZA, JACK, KENDALL, and proves why she’s the glue that binds the show together. But Granny don’t need to be bustin’ on RYAN’s nut no how.

INSANNIE rocks the jailhouse in her hot Pocahontas outfit. She may have worn it all week, but it was so much hotter than KENDALL’S tube top parade and JALU’s death wardrobe.

ZACH continued to not bathe and growl at everyone about KENDALL’S innocence while sporting that classic “buttcut” hairdo with a greasy part down the middle.

TAD and TAYLOR share some light, sweet, funny scenes that don’t involve sperm, head injuries, murder, guns, tunnels, or AIDUMB.

AIDUMB said some stuff I didn’t understand again. Something like: “Yaw wecum fo dah alibuy. Annie an aye aw fineeto.”

OPAL returned in a hilarious getup that looks expensive even though she’s allegedly destitute. She should have received a nice lump sum from her insurance company after the mansion burned. Can’t she buy her own condo and get a man?

ADAM made a rhyme: “Am I not clear? Get her out of here.” and followed quickly with something like “Erica Erica Erica Kane, Erica Kane”.

MARISSA confided to KWAK that she is dreaming of a threeway with JR and BEAKER.

THIS WEEK ON AMC:

It’s a very special week when STACEY LONDON and CLINTON KELLY show up from TLC’s What Not to Wear to makeover the entire town!! Watch them throw out KENDALL’S tube top collection while CARMINDY slathers her in Mederma scar fading cream. See JALU wince as they trash her collection of black dresses and undergarments for a colorful new wardrobe and underwear that doesn’t fall around her ankles! Marvel as they put TAD in the 360° mirror and show him how to accentuate the positives while slenderizing that buddha-belly. But the shit really hits the fan when ANGIE battles NICK’s efforts to tame the Weave and she takes offense to STACEY and CLINTON for trashing all the sweater vests she lovingly knit for JESSIE.

Let’s hear what you have to say about it all—right here.